Ambergontrail – Trying to get through life without dying of dysentery

Tomorrow I turn 32. Yesterday Paul and I celebrated our 4th year of marriage (and a few days before that our 8th year of being together). In twenty days Piper will turn two. It seems like all around me things are changing, days are whirring by, and new things are happening. Such is the way of the world, I know.

Yet I can’t help but feel a little wistful for the days when Paul and I were newly married, before the insatiable need for children hit me, before our friends began buying houses in the suburbs, before my parents were jobless. The days when we could sleep in, and get in bed at 4pm on a Friday because it was “Family Snuggle Time” with Woofie. Things were so much easier, life was less structured, meals just occurred, movies were seen as a last minute decision. My stomach wasn’t covered in a mess of shiny skin colored ribbons, saggy and droopy. My nights were spent watching TV until late, then climbing in next to Paul, excited about getting to spend another night next to this wonderful guy, looking forward to sleeping in.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I am not complaining about having Piper in our lives. This morning she is at home with my mom, and I glance periodically at the picture of her below my monitor, and I can’t help but grin. You know how people say children change your life? Yes, in good and bad ways (like the sleep thing, it is ROUGH), but all in all, you’re a different person once you’ve had kids. 90% of the time I can’t believe I actually had a child. Am I no longer 25? My pregnancy seems like so long ago now.

Having a child is a visible, physical manifestation of time changing and passing you by. Each day I do the same things: I wake when Piper cries to be released from her crib prison. I bring her into our bed to snuggle until our alarms go off. Then I get dressed, get Piper dressed (and depending on the day, get her to work with me), go to work, think of her all day, eat lunch, wonder what she’s eating, come home to squeals that Mommy is home, say goodbye to my mom, play with Piper, make her dinner, get her ready for bed, relax and repeat. Then I realize, tomorrow I turn 32. Piper is turning two. I have preschool tours lined up this week, I need to order her birthday cake, I have to have pictures taken for Christmas…

And I am suddenly looking in the mirror (something I do rarely these days as the bathroom isn’t a place for fun, it’s a place to quickly brush my teeth, shower in the dark because of the loud ass fan and my showering after Piper has gone down and to pee, hoping Piper doesn’t bust in on me to show me her plastic veggies she has harvested), seeing lines that weren’t there before (were they?), eyebrows that are less tended to than should be allowed, and gray streaks in my hair, the hair that is perpetually pulled back in a messy topknot.  I’m reminded, that while I had been marveling at the continuous change my daughter goes through daily, for me each day another grain of sand in my hourglass is falling. As Piper grows and changes, so do I. So do we all.

My parents are beginning to appear more and more aged, a little bit more crepe papered, a bit more “worn”. When did this happen? Yesterday my beloved Grandma would have been 99. I remember when she turned 80! How have I lived so long without her?

I don’t know what this post is about, really. I’m just beginning to realize that time is not endless for us, and that while we do the monotonous tasks we’re almost programmed to do each day, somewhere another leaf is falling, another day is passing, and it’s time I started appreciating it more.

This year Piper was a butterfly. A monarch butterfly (kind of) as per her Daddy’s request.

Previously we had bought this costume.

It comes with the one piece outfit of a long sleeved leotard with attached tutu, little elastic puffs to attach to the shoes, a wand, wings and a head bopper.. At the neck and wrists was marabou feather trim (Which was also on the shoe puffs and the head bopper), and it was a thin crushed velvet type of material. When we tried it on her, we found it was a little snug in the arms, but it would do in a pinch.

Then, just a week before Halloween, Dad and I went to Joann’s to get some random supplies and saw a little “Autumn Fairy” dress in their 70% off section. There were no accessories included, but it wasn’t an issue, because the orange of the dress matched Piper’s butterfly accessories perfectly. I took a picture of it and sent it to Paul to see what he thought. Because he was in the middle of coaching a football practice he didn’t reply, so I made the executive decision to buy it.

When he came home he asked what was the deal with the costume, and if I had gotten it. I told him that I sure did, and at 7 dollars, I was glad I did. After all, if he didn’t like it she could wear it for Thanksgiving! It’ll pay for itself in cuteness! Luckily Paul loved it when I brought it out, and coupled with the accessories from the other outfit (and the tights I got from Target), it was a hit.

It was seriously close to impossible to get any good shots of her in it. She was soooo jazzed about her outfit, about the shoe puffs, the wings, and even the head bopper (which she kept on the whole time!) that she just went through the house twirling and jumping up and down. It was adorable.

Since we live in a very dark neighborhood with no sidewalks, we decided that for this year of her still being kind of little and not really “getting” Halloween we would take her to the mall. She could still show off her outfit, but also stroll around in the climate controlled environment where we could let her kind of go wherever she wanted, rather than taking a tight grasp on her hand so no one would snatch her up and make her their kid.

Here she is when we arrived, anxious to get strolling (not for candy, just to look around).

This is Piper with her face pressed up against the See’s Candy store.

This is the back of her costume while we were in Build A Bear (the treat bag is a gift from my friend Bluebell, it matched Piper’s costume from last year and she’s going to use this thing forever).

And this is the picture of her after she gave me quite the race in Macys.

Her candy haul was so meager, you can’t really refer to it as a haul. Whatever, she had a fantastic time and really enjoyed the dress and seeing all the other kids in their costumes!

Thanks to Randomizer.Org, we have the winners for the three Shutterfly Holiday Codes!

Hopefully this works, I had the hardest time trying to get a copy of this freaking number generator.

Our winners are commenter #17. Commenter #11, and Commenter #9!

#9
Michelle Says:
October 24, 2011 at 5:33 pm e

Amber, I like the “Wishing You a Merry Christmas” one for all of you. It’s super cute and would give you a chance to show off your beautiful family. For us, I like the “Ready Set Glow” from the website. Thank you for running the contest. I gave me a chance to de-lurk and comment

#11

Stephanie Berry Domenico Says:
October 25, 2011 at 9:11 am e

I love the “Sparkle Joy” design and the merry ribbon, but Piper would be cute in any of them!

#17

Liesal Says:
October 29, 2011 at 9:03 am e

I really like the Holiday Love Sketch.

Please email me at ambergontrail@gmail.com with your email addresses so I can email you the codes! Happy Holidays!!

This morning Piper woke at 7am. SEVEN AM! She hasn’t woken past 6am in I don’t know how long. Usually I wake at that time to temp, but my alarm didn’t go off so I slept until Piper woke up. It was really quite a delicious sleep, as Paul and I had gone to bed around midnight because we were watching “The Exorcist” (perhaps it’s the agnostic in me, but I really was more terrified by “Paranormal Activity 2″ we had watched on Friday night than “The Exorcist”), so I got to have a nice seven solid hours of sleep. It was bliss. Not to mention how wonderful it was to have a morning where we didn’t all need to wake up early to head to work (Paul did have to work today, but it was at 11 around the corner, so he didn’t need to hustle and leave early sans breakfast). Piper got in bed with us and we lounged as a family until 8:45, I quite honestly can’t remember the last time we spent a restful and calm morning together without having woken up at the crack of dawn.

I’m telling you, waking up so early is great when you kind of have things to do but prefer to be home by say… 4pm, when you’re able to relax but still make dinner and stuff. There is a definite downside to waking up early, because I like sleeping in. I MISS sleeping in. When I wake at 5:30 every single day (I had no idea I’d ever wake up at this time daily. I never would have believed it if someone had told me I would), I’m exhausted by 10am. At that point I’ve already been up for almost 5 hours! I am BEAT, and I tend to be a little less involved. I’d rather sit on the floor next to Piper coloring and watch her color, rather than color with her- and I get really annoyed with myself for that. While I make breakfast for her, waffles, pancakes, eggs, french toast, I don’t have enough energy to make myself anything other than coffee, and well, I suck at making coffee, so my mornings are kind of all about surviving until I get my second wind. But seriously, how on EARTH did I birth a child who doesn’t like mornings?? HOW???

Piper is in a great mood this morning, she’s so cheery, loving and we both have energy to play with her this morning, instead of being zombies who kind of follow her around. She is so delightful this morning, I am just in love. I can feel a little squeeze in my heart when she stands in front of me and looks into my eyes, grinning. I made this. I made that smile, both physically and with my presence. I am so lucky to be blessed with a gorgeous sweetheart who just lights up our world. So lucky.

Here are two pictures of Piper and her BFF at their playdate yesterday.

Hat Sisters!

Piper was all kinds of obsessed with this abacus thing.

The hat has been passed down from my cousin's three kids and we LOVE IT.

I think I’m going to start doing posts with the various cell phone images I take of her during the week, the ones I post on FB. Maybe “Facebook Photo Fun”?

I’ll start with the ones from Last Saturday to yesterday.

Piper at the pumpkin patch.

It was freaking hot and I felt crappy that she was in a long sleeved shirt, but it was cold that morning!!

She had adopted a little white pumpkin and was showering it with hay.

She likes to drag the pumpkin around the house, it's cute.

This shot makes me laugh uproariously. Piper was rolling in the hay, and I took a picture of it. One of my facebook friends replied, “Planking?” I took a look at it and Oh my, it sure did appear Piper was “planking” (recently mocked on “The Office”).

Although I am VERY happy she has no idea what planking is.

Later in the week, Dad and I went to Joann’s. I was looking for things to make a head bopper for my crappy costume (not even really a costume- just butterfly wings).

Piper had only had a 40 minute nap that day and was so bleary and exhausted. She did perk up a bit when she got her hands on two feather boas.

She looks like such a little girl here. Well, with a month until her second birthday, I guess she is a little girl now.

And finally, this is Piper at work. I tried giving her new crackers and this is what she thought of it.

The Toddler Side-Eye is cutting.

And there you go. Piper is the best. Ever.

Even though I say I’m always going to be on top of the Christmas shopping, and on top of the card ordering, without fail I end up shopping for both the first week or two of December. This year, I vow to get on the ball and at least have SOME gifts (or ideas) and the cards in the works by Thanksgiving. Well, maybe a day or two after, considering how Piper’s birthday is on Thanksgiving this year.

One of my favorite sites for personalized stationery is Shutterfly. I’ve used the site for photo books for our parents, I have used it for personalized mugs and keychains, and this year I have my eye on a fleece blanket for my mother in law. I tend to think that when it comes to grandchildren, photo gifts are always a hit, and always welcome!

Last year I wasn’t too happy with my last minute purchase of Christmas cards, so I have decided to get our cards through Shutterfly this year, knowing I can trust them completely.

You know, I always have a hard time deciding between getting “holiday” cards, cards that are more about the season, and Christmas cards, ones that are all about the ho ho hos and Santa. I just don’t want to offend anyone!

Maybe you guys can help me decide- and for your help I have THREE Shutterfly codes for 25 free holiday (or Christmas) cards for three readers who tell me which designs they would love to use. I’ll post the winners on November 1st.

Here are the ones I’m loving so far (soo hard to pick one!):

Berry Merry Frame

I think this color would look amazing with Piper’s coloring, but I don’t know if I want Piper’s face filling up a huge card!

Berry Merry Frame

Merry Montage

I love it, but we don’t have nearly enough people in our family to send out a montage card.

Merry Montage

Sparkle Joy

I could SO see Piper in this card. Like, without a doubt.

Sparkle Joy

Then there are the more festive cards, the ones just screaming “Merry Christmas!!” with vibrant reds and greens that bring to mind the smells of Christmas trees, candles and goodies baking in the kitchen. Of grey mornings and sunny afternoons that still hold on to that chill that makes you crave a cup of cider.

Like these ones here!

Holiday Love Sketch

This one is Christmas for me. I can see Piper’s gorgeous face just lighting up the card. Who wouldn’t want to receive that?

Holiday Love Sketch

Twirling Ribbon Christmas Card

I like this one because it’s pictured with a color image inside it. I think Piper’s true beauty really stands out when you can see her face in color, so alive and vibrant with energy. I also like the phrase, “We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year”. It’s just so… CHRISTMAS! (eeee, I’m totally getting excited for Christmas now)

Twirling Ribbon Christmas Card

Merry Ribbon Christmas Card

I like this one for the same reasons above, but not really feeling the “Merry” on it. Just Merry? That’s weird. Although, sign much? Um, look at the names in this card, “Sean, Amber, Kara and Felix” Seriously?? Amber Felix??

Merry Ribbon Christmas Card

Our Family Name Christmas Card

Now, I like the whole thing, but we’d need a lot more photos of us. That can be a problem.

Our Family Name Christmas Card

Wishing You a Merry Christmas

I super duper love this one. It’s got the Christmas colors, one picture is needed, and it says my favorite phrase of the season!

Wishing You a Merry Christmas

As Southern Californians, we kind of get the shaft when it comes to Season’s Greetings. We can’t say let it snow because it doesn’t really snow here. We can’t send cards of snowmen because it just mocks our lack of seasons. Then there are the cards that are Santa on the beach, or hanging out getting a tan. Even though we don’t get snow here, I refuse to have cards with Santa in the sand. REFUSE!

Anyway, I am having the hardest time choosing! Help a blogger out here. Which of the above cards (Or find one from Shutterfly’s 2011 holiday collection) can you see our little munchkin grinning from?

I have three codes for 25 free Shutterfly holiday cards for three commenters who can leave a comment saying what card they would choose, as well as telling me their vote (or write in!) for our family’s Christmas card this year.

(P.S. I loved Shutterfly’s birth announcements, and if my sister in law hadn’t offered to do them for us I would have ordered them!)

I had another preschool tour on Monday, and while we have at least three more tours to go to (two were supposed to be last Thursday, but the overwhelming germiness of Disneyland knocked me off my feet with a cold that kept me home Wednesday and I didn’t feel it was right to go to a preschool knowing I would be infecting the entire school), I am so in love with this school.

One thing that made this school different from school number one to me was the feeling of comfort. It felt like home to me, which is odd considering that it faces out on a huge busy street! Another difference between this school and the last school was the fact that this one came highly reviewed by students at Paul’s school, which the other school did not have. The first preschool had a bit of a hush hush factor to it, which was a little strange. No reviews anywhere, no referrals, nada. Only the certification of NAEYC to tell us it wasn’t some horrible center where kids will be neglected. So I have to say knowing other kids who have gone here and flourished really helps sway us to the side of the second preschool.

In case I haven’t shared our “prerequisites” for a preschool, here they are (loosely, the only thing we’re really sure of is that we want it to be close to our jobs):

~ Potty Training Not Required (We like the schools that allow the children to proceed at their own pace, not forcing all kids of varied levels to be potty-trained before they’re “ready”, which could cause accidents and lead to an unhealthy self image)

~ Organic (if possible) snacks and drinks

~ Home-packed lunch only – no catered lunches. Knowing the origin of her meals is really important to us. And after seeing Jamie Oliver’s show on foods in schools in L.A., well, we have decided to pack her lunch until… she’s an adult and/or pays for her own food.

~ Parties are allowed in class to celebrate birthdays. I don’t know why this is an issue for us, it just is. I guess I have many fond memories as a kid of parties with my classmates (boy, it sure seemed like there weren’t many kids with allergies back then!), and I want Piper to experience that. In an age where they’re banning bake sales and hosting “snack sales” (of only healthy foods like carrot sticks, whole grain crackers and the like), if I want my child to be able to have a mini cupcake for her birthday- and to share with her classmates, then let ME be the parent who decides what my child eats. If other parents don’t want their kid to have the sugar, then they won’t have to have it (and I WILL make special cupcakes for kids who have dietary issues- I was one and I understand), but I want the option to be there.

~ Other parents are fun to be around. At the first school I got the sense of being “different” from the other parents. They were all older, seemingly well-off, and I felt incredibly out of place there. Perhaps it was our socio-economic differences, but if Piper were to become BFFs with Hyacinth and I’d have to socialize with the parents I’d always wonder if they looked down on us because we were in an apartment with no sights to move, or because I’m a bookkeeper and Paul is a P.E. teacher. I think I just won’t ever feel comfortable if the majority of the children are dropped off at school and picked up by their nannies. The director of the first school made a point to tell the parents in the tour that while they’re totally okay with the family’s staff dropping off their children, they’d like to at least spend some time with the parents, as well. This is not what we want in a preschool. LikeI said before, I want to like the family Piper becomes friends with, and with the second tour, I think we could make it happen.

~ Not too heavily based on academics. Well, not for the 3/4 year olds. I like the idea of Piper having lessons but her time spent there being based on interaction with her classmates. Especially coming from a home-care situation, I think Piper would likely do so much better if she’s slowly immersed in the school atmosphere, rather than going strictly into lessons and recess.

This is the typical schedule:

7:30 School opens

Free choice/inside activities

We went to Disneyland on Friday, and it was AWESOME. When I have a little more time I’ll post about it with a few pics for you guys! Also, we had preschool tour #2 today, and while I had to do it alone (darn these preschools for wanting us to tour while they were in session while PAUL’S class was also in session- totally kidding) and I still need to talk about it with him, I went ahead and put Piper down on the waitlist. This is momentous, ya’ll. I’ll do a post about that soon, too (along with tours #3 and #4 later this week).

BUT, right now I’ve really been thinking about our second child. No, there is not one in the works right now, I’m not one of those people who claim to not be pregnant but REALLY ARE! If I am pregnant some day I’ll likely be the one who stops talking about babies altogether and then POW, an announcement appears. I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty that it will not happen next month.

And that is because I’m wrestling with a few heavy emotions. First, we have the feeling of being overwhelmed with just one kid. One kid who is pretty good at entertaining herself, staying on her seat to read a book or color a picture (by picture I mean scribble something she thinks is a flower- super cute), so she’s really not a handful- in any possible way, yanno? She even sleeps at night! Still, her toys are often strewn all around, there are clothes EVERY WHERE because I can’t bear to get rid of her old things until we know what the sex of our future kid (at most 3 years from now) is, and papers are on every surface. Piper loves to color. LOVES it. She’ll color on anything as long as you give her a pen or pencil. I look around at the carnage that results from one day at home and I think, “I can’t bring a baby into this. This is madness.” And let me tell you, I’m a messy person. I’m FINE with clutter. And I don’t think this is something a house cleaner can really help with, because there is not a problem with cleaning things- we have brooms, mops, a dyson, swiffers, etc… the problem is just the utter chaos that is life with a two year old. I feel stressed even thinking about bringing in a newborn, sleep deprivation and all the accoutrements that accompany a new baby.

Then there is the guilt. The same guilt that I had for Woofie when Piper was due. It’s the guilt of knowing that you’re going to completely change someone’s life- possibly for the better or possibly for the worst because who knows how they’ll treat each other growing up- FOREVER. I know Piper understands so much more than I give her credit for, and in a year from now, there’s no telling how much she’ll be able to figure out, right? But still, I have a hard time getting past the whole “You were the first born, and now you’re just our first child” thing. As a second born child, I almost wonder if I may be slightly more aware of who gets more attention. Then I think, “How is it possible to love anything more than I love Piper? What if our next kid gets the shaft a little bit?” Moving along that train of thought, there’s the idea that Piper will get put on the back burner a little bit because of the unending neediness of a newborn. When Piper was in the womb, I had all the time in the world to nap, to snack all day so I didn’t yack all over the place, to sleep in for hours. When she was born, we spent seemingly endless days in bed, on the couch, just snuggling and learning our way as a family. While we can still snuggle with Piper and a new baby, it’ll be a lot of “Eeek, Piper, watch out, we want gentle touch for the baby!”, and let’s face it, there aren’t many 3 year olds who are content to just spend all day in bed with her mom and boring newborn sibling. Yes, I feel guilty for wanting to give Piper more attention when a new baby comes, and also guilty for wanting to spend time with a new baby! A new baby who isn’t even CONCEIVED!

Thirdly, I’ve been dealing with a lot of doubt. Whether I could do it. Whether I’m even good enough of a parent to be able to have two kids and not have them both eventually hate me. If we can be a family with two kids and still have a marriage that leaves me fulfilled, while also having well rounded children.

And finally, there is the feeling of selfishness. I want to spend all the time with Piper and Paul, I want to enjoy having a child who doesn’t really need me all that much. I LIKE having a child who can tell me what she wants, what she needs, and who SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT! I would be stupid to give up sleeping all night. Especially now that Piper and I are both sick (Germiest Place on Earth), I have the luxury to take Nyquil at night and not worry about her getting up and having to nurse her back to health. No, now I can knock myself out and wake up the next morning feeling better, if not back to normal, but better. I love our little family, where we can all sit on the floor and be silly, where we can bring Piper in bed with us in the early morning and catch a little more sleep.

But.

There is the intense burn for a new child. The craving for a pregnancy. The sadness when another cycle goes by willingly because I’m/we’re just not ready. I remember reading that you’re ready for a baby when you think of all the things in your life that you will miss, and being okay knowing it. I don’t think I’m there yet. I think I’m yearning for a new baby, a new pregnancy, but the idea of having a very vivacious (and wonderful, sweet, caring little lovebug) toddler factored in hasn’t made itself part of the dream, part of the fantasy. I think that when I begin to wish for a new baby, I really want to be able to relive Piper’s pregnancy, her birth, and her newborn months, because every moment with her from embryo on has been the best time of my life.

I think I need to just let go of the doubt, and trust that eventually, my fantasy of what my family is will include four of us- with my vivacious and wonderful toddler playing the part of co-star.

I’ll get there. I just need a little more time.

Last week Paul and I attended a tour for a preschool that is incredibly close to both of us. Well, it’s closer to him, but whatever. I didn’t quite know what to expect from a preschool tour, as I’d never really done any tours for anything child-related other than our birthing hospital and the pediatrician’s office. And since we had totally lagged on touring the birth ward of the hospital, we actually got a private tour then.

I got to the school (actually a small house that was built to house the preschool) about 15 minutes early. I waited until Paul showed up and then we stood outside the gates. I actually had thought that maybe the tour wouldn’t be very crowded, as this particular preschool was kind of hard to find. I only found it by searching for NAEYC website for local preschools.  The NAEYC is the National Association for the Education of Young Children. Less than 10% of preschools in this country are accredited. Of course, we’d come to find that this accreditation would show in their tuition costs! As I was saying, I had hoped that maybe we’d be one of two, three couples showing up for the tour. I was wrong. As Paul and I stood outside, car after car drove up, slowed down, and drove on. Since it’s a residential street, the parking was pretty slim. One by one, couples began to show up, many of them looking at their watches, muttering to each other about when to go inside.

At ten minutes to the appointment time, Paul and I decided to go inside. One other couple followed us, and a few others stayed outside. The director met us at the gate, asked us to wait there for a few minutes for the kids to pick up the yard, then decided to just have us come in and sit down (at the teeny tiny picnic tables- not easy for my hulking husband). Couples began to straggle in, finally ending about about 6 couples, and two or three people who were alone.

The director began to tell us the story of the school and then we all walked in to check out how a typical day works at that school. We walked into the “Bears” room, the 2.5-3.5 class room where Piper would be, and OH MY GOD- so cute. It was a room that had a book loft (books up above while the room’s kitchen and other stuff was below),  a table, a TON of things to play with. The kids were eating their snack at a little tiny picnic table. Their teachers sat with them, and it was SO quiet because we were there, creepily peeping at these kids who just want to freaking eat their snack already. Then, we hear a crunch, and a little boy exclaimed: “DID YOU HEAR THAT CRUNCH?!?!” It totally broke the silence that was starting to make me a little ill at ease (because really, why are eight 3 year olds so quiet?!),  and then we moved to the “Penguins” room which housed the 3.5 to 5 year olds. They were playing a matching game with their classmates using leaves from outside. The school tries to keep a seasonal theme, since we were there during the fall, there were hay bales and pumpkins outside to play in, as well as composting areas and a sandbox, as well as as trike path and stuff like that.  In the rooms, the children have their artwork (including self-portraits, DIED from the cute) hanging up all around the school, there are lists of food allergies, procedures to follow, emergency numbers, things like that. Reminders to wash hands, be kind to classmates, etc.

We all gathered back outside after the tour to talk about the school’s values and schedules, things like that. We had been handed a pamphlet of various things like tuition, schedules, the schools mantra, the history of the school. All things she would go over again while we were in front of her. There is a 3 half day minimum, and the tuition starts at 845.00. For 7:30 to 12pm. Oh my goodness. When we saw that, I looked around at the parents touring with us, and wondered, “Are we out of our league? Should we be looking elsewhere?”

The parents with us pulled up in Lexuses (Lexi?), with big expensive handbags, fancy jewelry, and all kinds of other status symbols. Paul was dressed in a hoodie with a torn pocket (YES, a torn pocket), and a pair of khaki shorts (he was teaching a P.E. class that morning), and I was in my Old Navy ensemble. Seriously, a skirt, shoes and a shirt all from Old Navy. Once we saw the tuition costs, Paul and I decided that we just can’t afford this school. I mean, if we moved, and cut out the home phone, cell phones, and cable television, then yeah. And the point of putting her into a LOCAL preschool is moot if we’d have to move to the ghetto to afford it.

The director emphasized how badly they want diversity there. This was obvious as there was only one minority child in that school of 28 kids, an African-American boy. They offer financial aid, but I don’t know if we’d qualify. While we loved the school, we didn’t love the parents as much, and since there is a lot of get-togethers with the parents, and our kids could potentially be friends for a long time, well, it’s something we’d have to consider.

One strange thing, though. This school has home visits with the teachers. I think that’s odd. Why do they come to your house? They want you to take pictures of the visit, too. I dunno, it was a little weird.

We have three more tours planned for next week, one of which we’re really looking forward to, so I’ll keep this space updated.

I turn 32 in November. Thirty TWO! I’m not even saying it like that because I’m feeling old. No, it’s disbelief. Somewhere in the last ten years of my life, I became an adult.  An actual adult with bills, with a job, with children and a pet to rely on her for such small things as um… SURVIVAL.

I had always thought that once I reached my 30s I’d feel more responsible, more… worldly. Instead, I feel exactly the same, just a little more stressed, a little happier, and definitely more content at my position in life.

I’m happily married, and finally, I don’t have to worry about the man in my life coming home, I don’t have to worry about him meeting someone new, someone more exciting. I don’t have to wait for him to leave the apartment so I can go to the bathroom (not the pee kind). Yeah, I totally did that before. How insane. I guess there are many single, childless friends of ours who would say our marriage is boring, that our lives are nothing but a blur of wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed. And I guess when you look at it from far away, it DOES seem that way. What they wouldn’t see, and wouldn’t know from just standing on the peripheral, is that what makes our marriage and our lives together so dang wonderful are all the small things that hold together the big pieces – like bits of string of a gossamer web of awesome. There is just so much love in our life together, there really is. When I was engaged and planning our wedding, I had MANY attacks of the what-ifs. I was afraid that I didn’t really know what makes a marriage work- from not having much of an example to follow.

I guess in the past eight years of our lives together (Eight on November 1st), we’ve just learned about ourselves, about being ourselves with each other. You know how couples who get together when they’re in high school or just out of high school say they “grow up” with each other? I guess that’s kind of how we’ve lived our lives together. Instead of growing up together, we’ve just kind of grown together. We’ve become the people we wanted to be together. And that’s kind of a happy thing, right? There is never a moment where I resent our life. Never a moment where I wish I was with someone else. It’s incredibly liberating to feel that way, to know that with this man, I have made no mistakes when I chose him.

So I guess that while we don’t have that house with the picket fence and the fridge with the water and ice maker I had dreamed about as a kid, I have all the things that I had WANTED in that picture of my 30 year old life. I have the tall and handsome husband who loves me more than anyone in this entire world (short of our daughter, of course), and I have the small daughter who is silly beyond belief. I have the dog, and my parents close by, and an extended family that never leaves me wondering where I belong.

Even though 9 year old Amber had thought her life would be a little more “complete” by the time she hit 32 (where are my other 1.5 kids, I’m asking you), the parts of my life that are really the building blocks are there, waiting to be built upon.

I’m ready for you, 32. Even if I still eat Kraft Mac and Cheese for dinner after Piper’s asleep. Some things you just never get too old for.

When people tell you what to expect from parenthood, it’s always, “OH, you’ll never sleep again.” Or “Be careful, the terrible twos are coming!” Then there’s the disbelief if you have a reasonably good baby, or the mocking you get when you think things aren’t THAT BAD.

You rarely hear about how everything seems to blur together while simultaneously taking a long, long time for every minute, every hour that passes. Sure, you hear “Enjoy it now! It goes by so fast!” (and as the mother of an almost 2 year old with baby fever, I say it A LOT. A LOT LOT. Sorry if you’re the recipient of my cliche), but you don’t really hear how it all whirs by when you’re running another load of laundry down, or trying to find ONE FOOD that your child will like (Piper has apparently gone off hot dogs, my previous go-to food).

During the week, as working parents, Paul and I try to do whatever we can to just survive to the weekend. The “spare time” (HAHAHA, spare time.) we have when we’re not consumed by our jobs, by making sure Piper is bathed and in bed by 8pm ON THE DOT so she gets enough rest before we all have to get up to go to work, that there is some form of dinner (even if it’s picked up after Piper goes down for bed), and finally, that Paul and I have some time to ourselves (from 8-10 which is bedtime).

We have sooo many plans for the weekend. The boring kind of plans that involve laundry, trips to Target, the market, maybe… if we’re bold- IKEA. We hope for maybe a family breakfast at the nearby Souplantation on Sunday, maybe squeeze in a little playdate with our friends. And if we’re being truly honest with ourselves, maybe even Piper POSSIBLY sleeping in until 6:30, or GASP…. 7AM!!! We talk about possibly squeezing in some lovin’ while she takes what we hope is at least a two hour nap.

Unfortunately, our weekends never, ever wind up that way. Because I’m going to tell you something, something that I think ALL parents do: they try to cram everything they have to do into the weekend. Because we’re FREE! No work! But the truth is, we rarely get to do what we set out to do. Why? It’s because we have children. Yep.

Piper never sleeps in. Paul and I never squeeze in lovin’ while she’s napping because of a reason that is twofold: her naps are so short that we barely have time to get her down and crawl into bed ourselves- all the while talking about what we’re going to do when she wakes up, mind you- and get comfy when she wakes up (And when she wakes, she’s PISSED. Like she missed some huge extravaganza while she was out for that split second and we made her miss it because we’re just mean like that), and the second reason: If she actually manages to sleep more than a millisecond, we get into bed and get so comfortable that we just kind of lay there- not wanting to get sweaty and gross while trying not to make noise to wake the sleeping midget.

Once she’s up for the day (the one nap schedule SUCKS ROCKS), all our plans for doing laundry, making a nice meal for dinner, and having playdates go out the window. First there’s getting her lunch together, which is a feat- the kid is picky as hell. She’ll eat a load of food if it’s something she feels like eating (I’m saying it that way because she’ll gorge on one thing one day and will refuse to eat it again for months- it’s like this with EVERYTHING food-related), or she’ll choose to eat parts that she approves of (the cheese out of a grilled cheese, the peas out of the vegetable melange) , and throw the rest of it to the side- or worse, our increasingly expanding dog. So it becomes a shuffle of finding something she wants to eat, because I just can’t let her go hungry. I’m obviously insane, though, so don’t be like me.

Since her nap is such a crapshoot, it’s hard to plan a playdate around it. So I can say, “Hey, want to meet up at the park at noon?” and Piper falls asleep at 11:30 completely off schedule. So then I have to move her to the car, hope this doze is enough, and let her play with her friends. Which then means, I have to work on keeping her awake for the rest of the day, because otherwise she’ll nap at 5, and that’s just WAY too late for a nap when she goes down three hours later. Now we try to schedule playdates earlier, before naps. I’m trying!

Once we get back from whatever errands we HAD to run (getting supplies for the rest of the week, returning something that didn’t work, dropping off something to family), we all get home and kind of settle. Things just compress as we gather in our living room. FINALLY, we say, we can relax without teaching, billing, or being on someone else’s schedule. At this point, doing laundry seems like the most difficult task to overcome. The mountain of clothes beckons you, and while you WANT to be a productive parent/wife, you also kind of want to spend time with your family just to hang out, without any pressures like there is during the week (squeeze in family time between work and bedtime).

All of this means we postpone laundry until 7pm on Sunday. The dinners are forsaken in order to spend time with our kids. And you know what? I’m totally okay with that. I can make a fancy dinner any time I want, but Piper will only want to sit in my lap to read a story for a little longer, and that’s what I’ll remember when I’m older- not the great fancy dinners, not having laundry done and folded by Saturday morning, and not getting the time to squeeze IKEA into a weekend.

So while I have SO many hopes, plans and ideas for how we spend our weekends, it always ends the same- all of us cuddled together on the couch, happily reading books or magazines, more than okay with letting our plans go out the window.