For most of my life I have been upbeat. I can see the silver lining to any dark and ominous cloud that heads my way. Even when I’m feeling despair and a little melancholy, I’m quite able to snap out of it when I really put my mind to the task. When it comes to my friends, I’m able to do anything possible to make them happier. Anything.

In my advancing age (ha, I’m 32), I’m changing. Instead of wanting to turn to this here blog to moan and blather about my “misery”, I’m instead closing myself in. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to share. I don’t want to pretend I’m not unhappy. At this point, I’m not looking for the silver lining. Sure, tomorrow I may be, but right now? Right now, I prefer to just stick to the pocket of friends I talk to. The friends who know exactly what is going on with me right now… the friends who have no clue what is going on but distract me from my life with details and drama from theirs… I love that. I’m starting to think I need that. I spend so much time at work by myself, that my head begins to churn, my chest begins to compress, and I feel swallowed up by my own thoughts and fears.

In case you’re a friend of mine online and you’re wondering why I’m not quite “there”, it’s because I can’t deal right now. Most of the time I can pretend I’m happy, I can nod and smile along with you, and eek out something congratulatory if necessary. However, this time I’m different. I’m evolving. Evolving into a person who isn’t going to pretend just to be liked.

Not that I don’t like you. No, it’s that I like myself more right now. So instead of forcing myself to say something I don’t quite mean at the moment, and forcing myself to feel something I don’t want to feel just then… well… I’m closing up.

Don’t worry, though. I’m not leaving some note vaguely asking for help here.  I have friends I’m talking to who can hold my hand (in some cases remotely), and friends who can laugh me out of this funk- even if it’s just for a little bit. A little bit at a time is just enough to keep me moving forward.

I’ve stopped visiting the sites I religiously visited a few weeks ago, I’ve stopped  commenting on Facebook posts. In most cases, I stopped reading Facebook posts all together. I stopped reading blogs, and went back to the mindless fodder of People.com and Perezhilton.com. It’s just easier for me to exist in this quiet little box I’ve created. My little room with walls supported by friends who understand, with floors cushioned by the hope I continue to encourage to thrive, with a ceiling that changes from crystal clear glass to a snuggly blanket that gives me enough warmth to be able to just rest.  I just need time to repair my broken pieces, is all. I just need a little bit of time to get that spark of hope and of faith back, and hopefully I’ll be a better friend. Right now I’m feeling horribly for being a bad friend to many of you guys, but I hope you understand that this is better for me right now.

In case you’re wondering, there are no marriage problems, Piper is healthy and the best kid ever, and my family is doing well. This is all me. Again, this isn’t asking for help- I’m not crying out for your attention. I just want you to know that despite my usual Kitties and Rainbows outlook on life, sometimes the rainbow disappears and all that’s left are clouds.

This, too, shall pass. Until then, I’ll see you around.

As adults, we make choices. All the time, right? Should I get coffee or make it at home? What shoes to wear? What shoes to buy? You don’t realize what a privilege it is to be able to make these choices.

That is, until you start giving your two year old  choices. “Piper, do you want to wear the Foofa shirt, or the Toodee shirt today?” Piper will glance over at the shirts I’m holding and say which one she’d rather wear. Then I’ll ask, “Pink shoes or white shoes?” She’d answer and get back to playing. Later in the day, I’ll ask her what she wants for lunch, usually giving her a choice of two options (because had I just asked outright her answer would most likely be Goldfish crackers and “popsicle”, with no proteins or veggies involved). It’s fun to see what her opinions are, and how excited she gets when she gets to choose her own clothes!

A few people have remarked on this, like it was some burst of genius that led me to give my child some choices in  her life. I’m no genius, I’m no “look at me, I’m a better mom than you are” mom. I actually do that because I want her to be more involved in her daily activities, and to realize she doesn’t have to wear what I make her, and she doesn’t have to eat only what I place in front of her as per my own choice (what’s easier to make, what she had for dinner to avoid reruns). I want to foster some imagination, and if that means wearing a turquoise shirt with hot pink and yellow polka dot pants with red socks and white shoes than I’m all for it.

When it comes to food I really want to give her options, but it’s difficult. I hope that having a few options of what to eat will encourage her to eat more. We’re smack dab in the middle of toddler food feuds and it’s KILLING ME. She asks for things, and I’ll give them to her (toast, cereal, pancakes etc.) and then she’ll take a bite, say “Icky” and that’s the last of that meal. She’s not losing any weight, so it’s not like it’s a starvation diet thing, but dang, girl, eat something.

Yesterday while grocery shopping, I was slammed with a full guilty feeling. I felt horrible for encouraging her finicky behavior by way of avoidance- giving her the meals I know she will eat (chicken nuggets, grilled cheeses, not-boxed macaroni and cheese, hot dogs etc.). I’ve finally gotten over my fear of a starving child- which resulted in me constantly asking her what she would eat and making multiple meals a night for her (while Paul and I just ordered in or picked up food). Now I give her something with a few choices (a main dish, a side dish, and a fruit/veggie, or maybe some cheese- I love those plates with different segments) and let her eat what she wants. When she says she’s done, we ask her if she wants to get down, if she is done with dinner. She will either keep taking bites or just want to get down. So at least I can be happy knowing I’m not creating another issue for me/Piper in the “here are all these different dinners, have your pick- just EAT!”, even if that means she goes to bed with a semi-empty belly. I also don’t cajole her into eating, I don’t bribe her, I don’t manually feed her- all things I’ve done before. She gets no rewards for finishing her meal, but she sometimes will get a choice of dessert (a fruit/fro yo popsicle or a nilla wafer or something) if she’s eaten a decent amount. There is no expectation of dessert for finishing her meal, and no treats unless she’s tried some of her dinner- but there is never a guaranteed dessert- ever. I don’t want her to associate finishing her meal with a treat, but I will also not treat her if she completely ignored her meal. Does that make sense?

Oh, back to grocery shopping. Since I was feeling guilty about not letting her try more things, I decided to make dinner. Orrechiette (sp?) pasta, a homemade veggie and pasta sauce with turkey meatballs, sauteed spinach with fried garlic chips, garlic bread… She “eeew”ed everything but the garlic bread. Dude. Really? It’s times like that that I feel so discouraged. I WANT a kid who will try everything, but when I spend over an hour hustling to make a fresh homemade dinner for our family, directly after spending 9 grueling hours at work (with Piper in tow), I just want to throw in the towel and give her some nuggets and sweet potato fries.

Piper was a good eater before she was a toddler. Now it’s like literally forcing her mouth open to try something new. Giving up and giving her the meals she’ll actually eat makes me feel like a shitty mom. I need meal help.

I need to find some quick-ish and easy meals to make for the family. Things a non-meat eating working mom can make without having to set up a meal in the  slow cooker (which also means cleaning out all the produce we keep in there!) at 6am (because that’s usually the only time I have to set anything before I get home at 5), something that has easy instructions, easy pantry ingredients usually on-hand (or a few I can pop out to get), and something that a relatively cautious toddler will eat.
PLEASE, I beg you: any recipes for a mom of a picky toddler who is better at saying “No” than D.A.R.E?

I leaned against the wall, amazed at how fast she’s grown. Then I watched as she used her bath crayons to draw a “happy”, a primitive happy face akin to something you’d see scrawled on a cave somewhere. She drew a wobbly circle, making sure the ends touched. Inside she drew two circles for eyes, a notch for a nose, and finally, a carefully lined mouth- a smile. Then we watched silently as she took the crayon to scratch a large amount of wild hair. It hit me then- my daughter is a few weeks away from two and a half. She’s no baby.

As that realization hit me squarely in the heart, I asked her a question. “Are you Mama’s baby?” Piper replied quietly, as she was busy making a GIANT “happy”, “No, I Mama’s Big Girl.” I had to smile, because I have no idea where the notion of being a “baby” was a bad thing. Then, as I leaned against that wall, watching my “Big Girl” squat down in the tub, tears began to slip from my eyes as I realized she was right. I don’t know if it’s because I’m the Mama or what, but I’m the last one to see just how much she’s grown. I suppose it was denial, because while we’re doing this TTC thing, I have to accept that in a mere four months she’ll be off to preschool. And after that, she’ll belong to the world, just another student heading off to school with her lunch bag and light up tennis shoes.

It took my baby having to tell me that she’s a big girl to really understand it. Piper wants to be able to run wild, to pick flowers, to draw pictures of Mama and Daddy. She wants to be a little girl, but boy oh boy does it burn to let her go to run free. She’ll always be Mama’s baby, whether she likes it or not. It’s just now I have to call her that when she’s not listening.

As I said this morning to my friend Bunny, Piper is no second best option. Even if we have no other children after her, we kind of struck gold with that little munchkin. Of course, as per usual, my “let it be” attitude comes and goes with the tides. When I’m having a particularly bad day, or if I sleep horribly, I think, “Yeah, our little family is just fine”, but then I get immersed in groups full of pregnancy, babies, the fertile Myrtles, and I begin to sink back into that “Why not me?” mindset. Healthy, it is not.

Being a Bee has given me the chance to get closer to women who I probably never would have met. It’s given me that push to get to know those gals, to be able to talk and laugh, and cry with. While I don’t always agree with all of them (there are a LOT of us, after all), I am definitely more connected to some more than others.

It’s those gals that keep me from losing my mind. It’s hard to get so caught up in my own drama and complaining when they have troubles, too. And as it happens, when I’m having an up day, one of them is having a down day. It’s like somewhere there is someone out there making sure there is always someone to hold us up when our legs just can’t take it. Thanks to my Bee status, I’ve gotten so much closer to ladies like Yorkie, Poppy, and Bunny (I do know their real names, FYI). I’ve gotten to know them SO much better, and there are things in my life that my IRL best friends don’t know. It’s not that I’m ashamed of it, really, it’s just that sometimes it’s easier to speak candidly about the intimacies of my sex life when it’s not someone I have seen face to face (Although I am super looking forward to that happening!!!), you know?

When it’s getting rough for me emotionally and I can’t vent to Paul anymore, I know where to turn. I don’t know where I would be without those girls. Those girls who know the pain, who know the impatience WAY more than I do, that make me feel like my issues aren’t trivial at all, even though I know they are.

Thank you girls. Thank you for you ears, thank you for your virtual hugs, and thank you for all the things you bring to our friendship. Thank you, Bunny, for never hesitating to agree with me when I’m angry about how unfair the issue I deal with is (and not ever saying, “But at least you have Piper”, because I know, Piper is the best thing I have ever done, known, or had), and understand the lengths of which I go to in order to get that X on my chart. Thank YOU, Yorkie, for being the most positive and hopeful person I have ever known in my life. While I am the bitter and dark side of TTC, you are the light and love of the ever hopeful side. While you can get a little down, you never give up. We need more of people like you in this world. Poppy, you dear thing. Thank you for being so excited all the time, so ready to pray for others, and SO WILLING to give all of yourself when needed. Your love and eternal gratefulness is overwhelming and SO needed.

Thank you, sperm who refuses to fuse with my ova… without this time with the ladies above, I’d be just another pregnant woman who didn’t appreciate the wonder of what waiting a bit has to teach you. And that, while miserable at times, is a blessing. Thank you ladies. I promise to support you and love you, and buy your babies shit you won’t need because it’s SO CUTE when you get pregnant RIGHT NOW.

I started prepping for the trip by making reservations for one of the few “Kid’s Suite” at the HojoAnaheim. It is a two room suite, with a Pirates of the Caribbean motif. One room is for the parents, it has a king sized bed (very comfortable), a bathroom, flat screen tv mounted on the wall,  Keurig k-cup coffee maker, microwave and fridge with a desk and a small table. The other room is for the kids, two full size beds bunk-bed style, a small loveseat that unfolds to become a bed, and another bathroom. It also has a coffee table, another flat screen and a small closet (as did the parent’s room). Both rooms have doors that lead out to what Paul called the most hilariously small balcony. I used our annual pass to get 20% off the room rate, and also requested a crib. I was a little worried that she wouldn’t sleep at all, since that was our experience the last time we stayed in a hotel in Solvang. The Hojo has a small water park that’s geared toward kids of all ages, but as it was misty and cold the day we got there we decided to skip it- but I’m looking forward to using it the next time we stay there.

When learning that there was a Mimi’s restaurant on the property, I signed up for their email club, and received a coupon good for one free breakfast with purchase of another breakfast. SWEET!

Since our car needed a tune-up (and our A/C had just crapped out for no reason), we decided to rent a car for the two days we’d need it. Paul knows the rental people and got a great deal on a car, and ended up getting bumped up in level twice, so we ended up with a nice convertible with questionable storage space (It was the PT Cruiser convertible, tons of room inside, but the trunk space was laughable. It meant with our three dufflebags, the stroller (more on that later), and Piper’s sleeping entourage, it wouldn’t allow us to bring the pack n play for a backup if the crib wasn’t available).

We could have brought our Maclaren Quest Sport umbrella stroller, but instead we decided to use some Amazon giftcards and pull the trigger on getting a new lightweight full-size stroller. While I love our Maclaren, it’s just getting too small for Piper to ride in for extended periods of time, and napping in it gets very cramped. Plus, Piper is getting taller now, and when she’s in the Quest she likes to tuck her feet underneath the footrest which means her feet are on the wheels. I can’t tell you how many times I tried to push that sucker, messed with the brakes, thought something was wrong…. only to find she had essentially “braked” it with her feet. After having tried out strollers in Babies R Us, I decided I was set on the Britax B-Agile. It has so many pluses- the basket has a bar that can’t be kicked when walking, the recline is amazing, the no re-threading harness is the best thing EVER, and it was cushy with amazing suspension on all wheels. LOVE IT. I had been stalking it on Amazon price-wise for a really long time (as well as Craigslist and various other sites) and found it for 175.00, and I had a credit so we essentially got it for 165.00 with shipping included, and it arrived four days later! Total score, right? Along with the stroller, I went to Diapers.com to purchase the Britax stroller organizer and child’s stroller tray (they were cheaper than Amazon, and Amazon would actually ship one of the items FROM Diapers.com, so why bring out the middle man?) for added comfort and storage during the trip.  The organizer has two insulated cupholders that work perfectly at keeping cold drinks cold and warm drinks warm, and a middle section held two size 6 diapers, a bag of wipes, two kinds of sunscreen, some snacks and a toddler fork. It’s a must have. Piper’s tray wasn’t a must-have, but it was nice for her to have access to her cup and snacks.

Check out Piper in her new ride.

The following week I brought it to work for Piper to nap in. As you can see, there is a TON of room for her to turn on her side, and she even pulls her knees up to get comfy.

So we had our hotel booked, a car rented,  coupons ready for breakfast, and a nice ride for Piper to relax in comfortably. What else was there to do? Ah, drive out there!

We get the carseat all nice and situated in the rental car, cram all of our trip necessities into the trunk, and headed on our way. We got lucky and arrived at about 9am. California Adventure was going to be the park we visited the first day for a few reasons. One is that we wanted to see World of Color, and we knew it would end up being kind of late that night, so we made sure we only had to walk that 10 minutes back to the hotel, instead of the whole drive home. We also knew California Adventure was opening later than Disneyland, so it gave us plenty of time to get breakfast at Mimi’s, check into our hotel and leave the bags and car, and head over by opening time to get the World of Color fastpasses. This meant we’d be nice and early for Disneyland’s opening at 9am the next day of our trip.

We had a nice leisurely breakfast, all the while telling Piper she was going to Mickey’s house.

Then we drove to the hotel and checked in (one last thing to do when we were coming back before World of Color), packed up the new stroller and headed out. It was slightly raining, alternating between a thick mist and droplets. It wasn’t a nuisance and it ended by the time we got to the park. Unfortunately, some of the rides were still wet!

Right when we entered we got on the Little Mermaid ride. I love that movie so. Piper enjoyed it, and said hello to all the fish and turtles and birds. Ursula was a little scary to her, but that ended quickly. As we took a stroll, Piper decided she wanted to go on a ride called The Golden Zephyr (basically long zeppelin type boats that are spun around in a circle slowly going farther and farther out). Piper LOVED it. We ended up going on this and the Little Mermaid twice that day.

Then we headed over to Mickey’s Fun Wheel. This is a huge ferris wheel that gives you your choice of being in a stationary bucket or one that slips as the ride rotates. We chose the stationary one, obviously.

Paul and I joked that Piper was so much braver than we were on that ride. We had never been on it previously, because both of us freak out up high like that. Her fingers never left her mouth, but she did a lot of talking and “Oooh”ing and aaahing, as well as pointing out the various characters on the buckets beside us.

After that, we rode on Toy Story Midway Mania. The wait for this ride was 30 minutes, and Piper was a CHAMP. She just jumped and danced the entire time. Here she is rocking the 3D glasses that you need in order to enjoy the full attraction (things fly at you with puffs of air).

After this, we went to King Triton’s carousel for Piper’s first ride on a carousel ever! I didn’t take pictures and now I’m wondering why I didn’t. Whoops. Out of all the sea creatures she could ride on, she chose the whale.

By this time, it was 12:52 (I looked at my clock because I noticed Piper was getting sleepy, but wanted to get lunch first), and we latched Piper into her stroller and began the walk to the place we had mapped out for lunch (we planned all our big meals ahead of time so we’d know where we’d have to go). On the way there we saw a line. A line leading to a gazebo. And inside that gazebo? MICKEY MOUSE himself! All dressed up in his maritime finery, we immediately got in line to get Piper’s picture taken with her BFF’s “husband”. Unfortunately, the second we got in line, they announced that Mickey had to run out quickly and would be back in 5 minutes. Since we could totally do five minutes, and we were the third group in line, I figured, hey, why not just wait for this great opportunity? So Paul and I alternated who waited in line alone while the other parent took Piper “exploring” around the area. Mickey did return within five minutes (and about seven goldfish crackers later) and we got this great picture.

Because we’re passholders, we have a distinct “Photopass” for our pictures. So I just handed over my annual pass, they scanned it and loaded the pictures directly to our designated account. I took the above picture myself, though. Piper was SO jazzed.

After the excitement passed, we put Piper in her stroller, and her fingers immediately went into her mouth, thus meaning naptime was near. Even though I had wanted to get some lunch into her before her nap, we decided to stop at one of our favorite pin carts to pick up our first pins (we collect them, as you’ll see in a picture I post later) of our vacation. After that, we walked over to a place to open the pins and noticed Piper had fallen asleep. So, realizing there was no chance we could ride on anything, and wanting to get her some nice napping in, we decided to leave California Adventure for Downtown Disney, where we could buy more pins, a snack, and basically just look around at what they had to offer.

Once Piper woke to the smell of fresh Wetzels Pretzels her parents were eating, I gave her an “arm” of my pretzel and changed her diaper (Oh, another amazing plus to this stroller- because it reclines so far back, I can change Piper’s diaper IN the stroller!). Since my favorite candy store in Disneyland was closed, I decided to stop at Marceline’s in Downtown Disney. They sell all the items you can get in the park! We headed back to California Adventure for a real lunch. our stroller a little heavier from the candy and treats I picked up.

As we got settled at lunch, Piper enjoyed her chicken nuggets and papas (Fries in spanish, she gets it from my mom), with a lemonade. She usually doesn’t get treats like lemonade, but hell, we were at Disneyland. It’s not like she asks for it anyway.

She actually didn’t eat all of her nuggets, so I put them in a baggie for later. She ended up eating them before dinner, and completely fighting dinner!

After we had lunch, we headed over to the Disney Junior stage show. It’s basically one live singer surrounded by various puppets acting out episodes of popular Disney Junior tv shows. Piper was frozen with joy, she could barely eek out her name when they asked for it, and all she did was dance and shout that she had gotten her doubloons from Jake and the Neverland Pirates. After the stage show, we went on the Monster’s Inc. ride, where she got a kick out of Boo. Hopefully she really loves Boo, because that sucker is going to be her Halloween costume!

By that time, it was about 4:30pm. We decided to head back to our hotel to get our stuff situated and her crib ready for our return after World of Color. Since we knew we’d be back late, we wanted to make sure everything was as ready as it could be for a seamless transition to bedtime for her. We hung around our room, reorganizing our pins, and relaxing in bed until 6, then decided to head back to California Adventure for dinner and to ride some more rides. We rode the Golden Zephyr and then got lunch. Paul had a hotlink corn dog, I had a cheddar on a stick (like a corn dog but with cheese instead of meat), and Piper had her choice between the pb&j, the kid’s sized alfredo pasta, and baby carrots and string cheese. Yeah, she ate none of it. So Paul and I ate it! Then we headed on the Little Mermaid again while we waited to get in line for the World of Color show.

Eventually we got in line a little before 7:30. Came to find out the show started at 8:30pm. Holy sheet. It wasn’t just keeping our daughter in her stroller for an hour, it was knowing the show started an hour past her bedtime! Piper powered through it, eating some of the snacks I had packed (trader joe’s fruit leathers, apples, goldfish crackers, the remainder of the nuggets she didn’t eat after eating them three hours before) and watching Pocoyo on my phone. Finally the show started. It was amazing! A water/light/fire show with scenes and music from the movies of Disney past, it was a wonder. Unfortunately, our little kiddo couldn’t  hold out past 9, and she conked out. Luckily she slept until we got to our  hotel, and I changed her diaper, put her in her jammies and we put her down. I was so worried she’d freak out like she did in Solvang, but she must have been SO exhausted from her very busy day that her body just let sleep hit her.

When we all got up at 7:30, we got ready for breakfast at Downtown Disney. We walked over to the Rainforest Cafe for a super tasty breakfast with intermittent terrifying effects of rainforest activity (moving and grunting gorillas, the sound of elephants, and rain and thunder, parrots). After that, we got on the Monorail to be let off in Tomorrowland. That was so exciting! Piper and I got to ride in the very nose of it, while poor Paul had to ride in the back (the monorail operator took a liking to Piper). Piper was thrilled about it.

When we arrived in Disneyland, we hit some rides HARD. We rode on Snow White’s Scary Adventures, and Pinocchio’s Daring Journey (or whatever it’s called). Then, because I know the line fills up fast, we hopped in line for Peter Pan’s flight, and waited a good 20 minutes.  She liked the ride, but wasn’t all that excited about it. It was less scary to her than Snow White and Pinocchio, though.

Then we crossed over to Dumbo. She LOVED it. She was so impatient to ride that she had a little huff that other people were going before her.

It had just started to get warmer, too.

Here’s my view of Paul and Piper. You can barely see her!

Once Dumbo was over, Piper rode the carousel.

And the teacups caught her eye, so we just HAD to go on the teacups.

Finally, I’m in a picture! As you can see, I collect pins, too.

We then headed over to the stroller for another application of sunblock for us all, and got on the Storyland Canal Boats. It was a nice mellow ride and Piper enjoyed it- moreso for the live ducks floating in the water!

We then went to It’s A Small World , where the line was so short that I didn’t have time to take any pictures (we were also sharing a Mickey mouse ice cream sandwich and it was all hands on deck for that one).

Then we headed to Toontown for her to get some lunch, and visit Minnie’s house before her nap. Piper got to see Goofy and Pluto, and had a cheese pizza and watermelon. I got to stand behind a douchebag who refused to move out of line when he had a beef with the person ringing him up. SO he made 7 families wait for their food for 20 minutes because he wouldn’t move. ASSHAT.

Piper was such a pro waiting in line for Minnie’s house. (her tummy KILLS ME)

When it was finally Piper’s turn to meet Minnie, she was ecstatic. She had her Minnie shirt on, and was clutching her small stuffed Minnie she’d been carting around the whole trip (Saying, “LOOK, MINNIE! DUMBO!” or pointing out other interesting things to her).

Look at this face! This was probably the happiest moment for her.

As we started walking to Frontierland for some pin purchasing, Piper fell asleep in her stroller. We bought some new pins, traded some pins, and managed to make it to Adventureland for some foods on sticks before she choked in her sleep and woke up. After that we headed over to New Orleans Square to pick up some fritters for me, and a steak gumbo bowl for Paul. Piper ate his oyster crackers and a fritter.

As we passed Haunted Mansion, we saw it was closed. BOO! So we kept walking down to Winnie the Pooh, where she could see the characters, ride the ride, and mama could buy some more treats for the family at Pooh’s Corner.

Paul’s favorite, Eeyore.

Everyone’s favorite, Pooh

And no one’s favorite, Tigger (he’s MANIC)

After she met the characters, we decided to head back to New Orleans square to see if the Haunted Mansion was up yet (Nope) and go on the Pirates of the Caribbean. She was okay on it, she sang “Yo Ho, yo ho”, but that was it. She was very disappointed to see that despite the word “Pirates”, there was no Captain Hook for her to chat with. For some reason, she loves Captain Hook!

After we got off that ride, we traded some more pins, and I got a mint julep (mmmm) and some Mickey beignets (sp?). DELIGHT.

We decided to hit one more ride before we left our Disneyland trip behind- the Jungle Cruise.

She loves animals, so this ride was a treat.

And finally, the last picture.

We then headed home after two awesome days at the Happiest Place on Earth.

It’s funny, the last time we went Piper was a month away from turning 2. This time it was 6 months later, and she was so much more attentive. She noticed little things, enjoyed everything so much more (Still hated Mr. Toads so we didn’t go on that one), and actually loved all the characters she met. Everyone got a hug, she was so brave on all the rides, and even though she’d be a little scared on some of the dark rides, the second she got off she’d say, “That was FUN”.

As we drove home, she said, “I’m coming Goofy! I’m coming to see you!” and she cried when she saw we were at home, not back at Disneyland. That part was really sad.

All in all, we had a great trip. No tantrums, she slept well, we all ate well, and she couldn’t have enjoyed it more. Our hotel was amazing, our new stroller was life-changing, and our toddler, as always, was pretty sweet. I wish I had recorded her squeals of joy when she got up on that top bunk. Not something I’ll forget soon, for sure.

I can’t wait to bring her back to “Minnie and Mickey’s House”.

Last night we were having our family snuggle time between coming home from work and dinner (seriously, you need to do this if you have kids, there is nothing else like it for bonding with your family)  and she turned to my lamp and said, “Hi LAMP. My name is Piper. This is Mom-Mom. Want to play?” I don’t know when she started calling me Mom-mom, but it sounds like it was about when she decided to call my mom “Grammy” instead of Grandma.

So there’s that. I’m “Mom-mom”. Paul is “Daddy” (lucky!), my mom is “Grammy”, my mother in law is “Grammy Lita”, Woofie is “WoofMAN”, and my dad is “Gampa”.

Anything chocolate is “Chocolate cake”. Today we were all in the car heading out to drop off my mom after a long day of hanging with Piper. Piper said, “My eye!” I said, “What’s in your eye?” Piper: “Chocolate cake!” (Whaaa?) Me: “How’d you get chocolate cake in your eye?”  Piper: “Daddy cook.” I looked at Paul and he said, “I had NOTHING to do with chocolate cake. I made chicken salad!”

Lately, before bedtime, Piper asks Paul and I kiss each other before we kiss her. Since I love the idea that Piper can witness our love (that sounds gross, but I mean she can SEE that her parents love each other), we kiss every time. How can you say no?

When I’m in the bathroom, Piper comes bursting in to see “What you doin’ Mom-mom?” “I’m going potty, Piper.” Piper walks over and points at my crotch. “What’s THAT?!” “That’s Mama’s vagina.” Piper covers her mouth as she laughs, says, “NOOOOO. That’s funny!” and runs to the hallway to tell Paul. THEN she comes back, crouches down and points and again and laughs. Ego boost, right there.

When it’s time to place her in the crib, she says “Night night” to all her friends. Her Muno, her Mickey pillow, her ladybug pillow pet (“Red” is its name), her friend Foofa, her stuffed turtle named Shelly, and Mom-Mom, Daddy, Grammy, WoofMAN, and lastly, Pipes.

When it’s time to get her in the morning, she says, “Good Morning, Pipes!” then looks up at the wall decal spelling out her name above her crib, and says, “P… I….P….E……R!”
It seems in a matter of weeks she has just had a burst of vocabulary and understanding. It’s happening too fast!

It seems that every weekend there is something that I’m forgetting to do, and something that I SHOULD do. Like Piper’s laundry. I am just so tired when I get home, that the idea of dragging that stuff down to the laundry room is way too much effort- not to mention how much I miss Piper when I’m at work all day, and when I get home I just want to kiss her and hug her and crawl into bed to watch Olivia.

Two weeks from today all three of us will be in Disneyland. We’ll be using our new stroller, which we received yesterday and LOVE. Every year since Piper was born, we go on two family vacations- once in the Spring, and once in the Fall. They range from two nights in Solvang, CA (also Santa Barbara as well, which we did the two past Springs) to two nights in San Diego, CA (both locations within a two hour drive), to an entire day at Disneyland. This Spring, though, we’re going to do something we’ve never done: we’re going to stay the night in Anaheim, and spend two complete days at the Disney parks. The first day, we plan to spend in CA Adventure, since we’ve never spent an entire day there. Then we’ll watch the World of Color water and light show, and walk across the street to our hotel. The next morning we’ll have breakfast, then spend the day at Disneyland, getting to meet all of Piper’s favorite people from Disney Junior.

While we’re there, Paul and I plan to do some Disney Pin Trading, something we took up as a hobby back in 2008. We are really starting to get excited about it, and keeping our fingers crossed that Piper will be able to sleep. PLEASE let Piper be able to sleep. Last year at this time, we were in Solvang, in a room with a loft. In the loft was the king sized bed, and down below was the living room, the bathroom, and the sitting area. We had Piper in the sitting area, with the windows darkened and everything all quiet. She woke up crying, and continued to cry until I went down to get her. She was FREEZING. Despite the heat being on, there was a random gusty area where she slept. I felt so horrible. I unfolded the couch bed downstairs and Piper and I slept there until morning. The next night was the same, except I came down with the flu or something. I sneezed all night, it was horrible. I’m really hoping not to relive that part. This is why we decided that from now on, we’d never stay in a room that didn’t have two separate rooms. Two bathrooms is a plus, but a door dividing our room from hers is a must. This is why we booked the room style we’re going to be in this year: a Kid’s Suite! In one room it’s got a king sized bed, mini fridge, K-Cup coffee maker, TV and it’s own bathroom. In the other room, it has twin bunkbeds, a fold out couch, a bathroom and a TV and table.  The hotel itself has a cool waterpark area, with a toddler pool, an adult pool, and a jacuzzi. All with heated water. It’s a mere 10 minute walk from the hotel to the front gates of Disneyland, and I AM SO EXCITED.

Let’s hope all is well when we go. Two week! Let’s also hope our tax return comes then, too.

Looking back on 2012 thus far, much has been accomplished. Well, in my mind at least. I began taking driving lessons, and a month after – to the day, got my drivers license on the first try! Not too long after that I began going on errands with Piper, just the two of us. It’s amazing, a whole new world has opened up to us, one where I can just run to Target and not have to ask other people to accommodate our schedule into theirs.

Then, we began to TTC again. It’s mentally not going well, but whatever.

And now, as of yesterday, we enrolled our daughter into preschool. Beginning in September of 2012, Piper will be a student. How is it possible, I don’t know. I swear, I was just pregnant with her. Daily I go back and forth, emotions-wise. Wanting a bit of freedom, wanting her to make friends and learn new things, have new experiences… while also wanting her to stay two, in fact- can she go back to 10 months? I’ll take that. I look through my old pictures of her, and a tiny part of me breaks off and floats into the ether. It seems that while she’s growing and changing, I’m becoming a bit more rigid and afraid to move. I feel as if time is passing us by, and I’m merely a bystander.

There is so much I want for her: a sibling, a best friend, a chance to show others what she’s made of. I want her essence of pure joy to remain here forever. I know, though, that she’s going to evolve. I hope that as the time passes, she’ll let me witness it.

Granted, I know that I will be with her on weekends and evenings, and I do get to kiss her goodbye in the morning, but so much of my parenting life has been spending 24 hours a day with our little munchkin. And while she’s been spending a majority of her time at home rather than at work with me, I still treasure those days when we can sit on the floor and color, or sit at the window looking out at all the trucks passing by(“Big Truck!!” she shouts).

While having a toddler can be trying, and they can be so willful and stubborn, I truly can’t get enough of her. I wish my job in life was to just be with her, all the time. I would be so incredibly happy if I could live that way, always at hand, always feeling her sticky hand in mine as we go to get the mail. If they made a bjorn for seven year olds, you’d better believe she’d be in one as we headed off to elementary school. All the better to sniff and kiss her silky head, you know.

I often get a lot of flack for the immense rose-colored glasses that I wear around my daughter. I recognize that it may seem a bit delusional that a person can be that invested in a toddler, with their tantrums and games of “who will break first” (Hint, it’s usually the parent). Especially when measured against other mothers of toddlers, I look like I’m drinking some kind of poison kool-aid. Heck, I know I’m probably a little bit of a nutty squirrel when it comes to Piper. Then again,  I have a great relationship with my parents. Despite the overall grumpiness of the household, there was so much laughter in our home, and it’s the same with the home I made when I grew up. We laugh all the time, we’re a silly bunch.

I feel like I never get enough time with Piper, never get to be with her during those critical moments of toddlerhood. I’m sure I’m just making it out to be a little more dramatic than it is because I realize our time as a little daily duo is starting to end, but thinking of dropping her off at school, waving goodbye as my little one walks off to meet her friends (Friends she MAKES, not friends I make her be friends with!!). It’s crazy to think about it, because these years will NEVER EVER happen again with her. It’s not like she’s a teenager who is giving me dirty looks as I take away her cellphone. No, this is the time when she learns about the Itsy Bitsy Spider, and makes a funny attempt of the finger movements. It’s Piper saying “good morning” to her friends in the crib, and to Mom-mom (me) and Daddy, Grammy and Wuh-man. I don’t care if you’re not a kid person, if you hear a high pitched little voice say, “Good morning, Muno! Good Morning, Grammy! Sweet dreams!” while you were still sleeping, well, any heart will melt.

I think it’s because right now, there are just so many moments where I wish I could press pause and just stay there in that moment. Yesterday, Piper took Muno and declared it “Nap time”. She put him on her pillowpet, and sang, “Nighty-Night, Nighty-night, nighty-night”, and then laid beside him and covered herself with her blanket. I sang some made up words to that song, something like, “Nighty-night, say goodnight, Mama loves you, sweet angel…. I am with you, forever, I will always be here” and she started to cry. I thought, “Man, I know my voice isn’t all that great, but jeez.” Then she said, “More.” I said, “More singing?” “More singing, Mom-mom.” So I sang a little bit more of that made up song, and she remained there on the pillow, tears falling, asking for more, more, more.

This is my life. This is why my glasses are always rosy. Because our great moments like the one above make me proud, make me cry because I know it’ll end far too soon, definitely sooner than I want. All I’ll have left to remember of her toddlerhood will be memories like that one. I am so glad to say their light and love outshines the dark of the bad days.

And since I know I haven’t posted pics in awhile, here are a few for you. She is such a big girl now.

A rainy day plus a new raincoat and new rain boots makes one VERY happy girl. It totally made it worth standing out there in the pouring rain with flip flops and a non-waterproof jacket.

Piper still uses her “Cheese” face.

Piper also got into some lipstick I don’t use. She was having a grand old time with it.

Piper has begun a love for home improvement.

And we have found Piper looks great in orange.

And finally, this is the face that is just heaven.

After doing the two week wait, I had forgotten just how incredibly horrible it is. How you’re torn between that crazy mix of “If I stay positive I’ll GET a positive” and “I don’t want to get my hopes up because I don’t want to crash too hard when my period comes”. Before, when trying to conceive, I had friends I spoke to all the time about it. Now those friends have had their babies and aren’t trying for another one anytime soon, so they can’t relate (nor are their available because they have kids, can’t blame them!!). Now, I sit at my desk and look ahead at the calendar, count on my fingers when I’ll likely be ovulating, and silently worry myself silly.

I may be sarcastic, I may be bossy sometimes and tend to have a bit of an attitude at other times, but mostly, I am emotionally weak. It’s all bravado, my friends. While outside I’m acting as if I am thrilled for the next TTC journey, it’s false. I’m NOT excited. I’m hugely excited to get pregnant, hugely excited to have a newborn, but in the end, I’m sad because it’s a process. Due to things I won’t share here (I have to have SOME privacy, right?), TTC isn’t about a sex marathon until my period comes. It’s not the every day vs. every other day, that many couples TTC try. No, for us it’s about scheduling and plotting and planning, and in some cases, trying everything possible to get in the mood. I know what many of you are thinking, “You’re taking the fun out of trying to conceive, no wonder you’re so miserable. No wonder it took you that year last time, your husband has it rough with you.” Since I said I won’t delve into the issues, just know that it’s just not possible to just “Enjoy it” to just, “Go ahead and have a whole lot of sex”. It’s not a possibility. And not because I don’t want it to be. It’s not that I’m ruining the intimacy in our relationship by having to plan these attempts, trust me. So please just assume there are hidden issues that you don’t know about and be okay with it. That’s all I’ll say about it.

With Piper, we literally got lucky. It wasn’t one of those things where we tried and tried and tried that week and she was conceived. She was magic. She was going to be born no matter what. So part of me is hoping for that this go around, because I can tell you without ANY doubt that should it take 12 cycles or more of trying to conceive again then I mentally can’t take it. I will not be able to handle it. Because any fertility treatments/procedures are out of pocket for us, it makes it impossible for us to get pregnant with help. So it’s all on us. And if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. I’m not going to think that way, though, because there is something to be said for prayers. If it happened magically last time, it can happen again. I just need to stop remembering the pain from back then. It’s really hard, especially when I have some dead brain space while waiting for some work to come my way, and my head tends to drift into the “What if…” territory.

If only I could be Snooki. Jesus, did I just say that?