In my life I have always been prone to dwelling. Dwelling on the good things, dwelling on the bad things. I live in the past in a lot of ways. I have a hard time looking ahead because it’s far easier for me to remember the good things in the past than imagine/hope for good things in the future.
I used to be an optimist. Then 2012 was a pretty bad year. 2013 didn’t start off that great, either. Gradually my optimism has been reduced to small little things like, “I’m going to ovulate this month.” This fact seems to depress me even more, which keeps that “Half full” cup of mine leaking from the bottom.
A friend said, “No matter what, your life will be great.” Meaning, second kid or not, we have a lot to be thankful for. I had a mini panic attack thinking that I’d unwillingly become a member of a family of three. I think it’s fantastic to be one and done. But I think it’s great if it’s YOUR choice, and not a choice MADE for you. I honestly get fear shakes worrying that all these baby clothes I’ve had saved in tubs will never be used again, that all our things we bought as “investments” for the next baby could be pointless. I’m scared that that’s what is ahead for us.
I just want to be able to live without sadness and fear. I want to be able to think ahead and think of joy. I’m tired of being bitter.