I have much to be happy for: a job, a home, my own car, a wonderful daughter, great family surrounding me, a husband I can’t seem to get enough of… I’m a very lucky girl!

Knowing this, I get very frustrated with myself when I hit a downswing in my moods. While 90% of the time I fixate on how unbelievably great my life is, there is still that 10% that says, “It would be better if I was pregnant.”

Sometimes I feel that the very fact of how badly I want a second child is what’s holding us back. Ridiculous, right? Yeah, I know. I can’t help thinking this way. Like maybe I’m “jinxing” us because of how visible I’ve made our struggles.

Right now I’m a little over one week into a new cycle. Still far from ovulation, enough to make it seem like the time to test is still years away. This is arguably the worst part of my cycle. It’s a waiting game, and I fail at it miserably. Since I got my last negative pregnancy test (on the day my period started, nice touch body), there have been surprise pregnancy announcements, friends are becoming more pregnancy centered, and there are pages of baby bellies with the current week’s gestation somewhere in there flooding Facebook. Each one makes it painfully obvious what is lacking in my belly.

I don’t like myself when I am trying to conceive. Every failed month makes me feel like I’m being punished, that it’s MY fault. That 20% (or closer to 30% I read recently) chance means nothing. It just means I’m the 80% (or 70% given the study you cite) that didn’t get the egg, while it seems everyone else I know is in that magical 20%. And it sucks, but I can’t get over it.

“Just take a little time away from that scene, from them” I told myself. “It’s okay to give yourself a break, no one likes to be miserable all the time, it’s okay”. Honestly, I thought I’d be pregnant by now and this “short break” of mine would be a silly but distant memory. Nope. Now it’s turned into a sabbatical of sorts, and the more time away I spend, the less I want back into the baby/pregnancy world, because each post I see.digs deeper into my misery. After how I’ve acted, I wouldn’t be surprised if I wasn’t wanted back, either.

I am so tired of hating, of hoping, of praying. I’m especially tired of the letdown, month after month. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my OB/Gyn, to see what is up. Hopefully nothing other than bad luck and timing.

About these ads