If you’re a mother- a working mother, stay at home mother, mother to be, mother to dream… you’ve seen the post (article? Hm) about not having to “Carpe Diem” being a mother. I’d link to it here, but to be honest, I am SO tired of hearing about it.
I don’t know what it is exactly that ruffles my feathers about it. Perhaps it’s because it makes me feel like some kind of oddball freak for not griping and bitching more about how hard it all is. I mean, while on one hand, I’m glad there was this post for the mothers who have a hard time with their kids so they can feel like they’re NORMAL. Like it’s OKAY to kind of count the minutes until bedtime. Having a child is tiring, having a baby is exhausting. Being the one your child is solely reliant on is stressful to the nth degree. We all know this, right?
But then… that post makes me feel ashamed for saying the things the woman hears “Enjoy EVERY minute, it goes by so fast.” or the “This is the best time of your life, isn’t it?”. I get angry as well, though. Why the hell should I censor myself because of how I choose to view parenthood? There are so many posts by parents saying, “No one ever says it’ll be this hard, I’m here to tell you how hard it is”, “This is the REAL truth about parenting”. There are the posts saying all Mommy bloggers put forth this facade of utter happiness and bliss when it comes to child-rearing. The part that digs into my brain is “facade”. It’s true, there are these bloggers where you KNOW there are deeper issues going on in their lives, and they are trying to show that everything is hunky-dory, “no problems here!!”, however, there are also bloggers like Me, like Kimberly Michelle and Ms. Zhukeeper who acknowledge that parenthood can be rough, but with a little support, a positive outlook and well, the tendency to kind of LIKE your life, you can enjoy everything about it- the good with the bad (holy run on sentence!).
What bothers me the most is that I feel guilty for not complaining about my life as a parent! What the hell! It seems there are SO many posts telling parents it’s okay to be miserable, it’s okay to hate this part of your life (at that moment), which is great, it’s nice for the parents who are hating every aspect of baby raising to feel not alone. With that in mind, where are the posts telling parents like me that it’s OKAY to be happy? That it’s perfectly normal to want your mornings of snuggles and laughter to last forever, that it’s just fine to be sad when it’s bedtime for your child because time just goes by SO fast? When older women tell me to enjoy it, because it speeds by, I put my hand to my heart, nod my head quickly, and say, “OH, I know. I know so well.” Because you know what? It DOES. While each day with an active toddler can seem to take 50% longer than it does without children, by the end of the day you look back, and think, “Wow, how is she two already?”
The other day I had a load of Piper’s laundry on the bed getting ready to fold it all. As I was folding one of the Carter’s plain white onesies (to go under her clothes), I reached into the pile and grabbed what I thought was the same thing- another white onesie. Well, it was. Only instead of being 24 months, it was 6-9 month. Piper wore this thing TWO YEARS AGO! I held it up, tears welling, and said aloud, “This wasn’t even the smallest she wore!” I laid it atop the 24 month onesie and was in shock. At some point, Piper was small.
So when people tell me, “Enjoy this time!” I say, “I do. Every single minute of every single day.” I know the time will come where Piper won’t willingly give kisses, and won’t come running yelling, “MAMA!!!” when I come home. Just like Piper no longer snuggles into the crook of my arm, smelling softly of milk, of lavender, with her knees curled to her tummy, with her bottom sticking out in the air.
Don’t think Piper doesn’t pitch fits (because she can drop to the floor squalling like nothing you’ve ever seen), don’t think Pipes doesn’t smack or try to bite, because she does. She frequently says, “I’m MAD”, with her little hands bunched into fists. Piper is a mellow kid most of the time, you know? But when she’s riled up, man, she’ll kick your ass. Instead of being angry that I have to deal with it (sometimes with my work piled up waiting for me to get to it, too, which is like stress x10), I just look into her little face, see that sweet girl who I know so well, and know that it’s going to pass.
Kind of like babyhood, toddlerhood, childhood, parenthood. It will all pass. With every horrible stage that goes, a wonderful one goes as well. The sleepless nights are gone, but so are the cozy and warm snuggles we’d share early in the morning, just some Mama and Baby bonding over a little bit of nursing. I know that the fussy/slappy/bitey twos will pass, and along with it the wonder of experiencing everything brand new (like rain, Disneyland, petting a pig). With everything bad comes new wonderful things. And when those bad things go to make room for new miseries, those wonderful things make way for new wonders like riding a bicycle and potty training.
For me, I choose to Carpe Diem. I choose to “Seize the Day”, I choose to see everything in my life with rosy colored glasses. For me, I choose to let Piper know that everything she has brought to my life (including our poor scrawled on LCD tv)- to OUR life, rather- is a blessing. It’s magic.
Moms like me: It’s okay to Carpe Diem. It’s okay to not feel ashamed for reveling in everything your life brings to you. It’s okay for your marriage to be even better than it was when you had no children- don’t feel ashamed for being proud of your life, of your family. For those moms who want to know it’s okay to hate your life now and then, it’s okay, too. Just know that EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE SAY IT ALL THE TIME: there will be a time when you look back at these miserable days of not sleeping, of children who don’t eat or listen and choose to act out instead, and you WILL miss it. Sure you might not miss it all, but you will miss a large part of it. And this is coming from a mom who had daily sobbing breakdowns at 6 months (Which I DID blog about back then, I hide nothing) thinking she wouldn’t be able to do it. Well, I made it. I’m here. And you know what? I still love my life. I still love my kid. I will still Carpe Diem. Because nothing can be so bad that I can’t get a hug and a kiss from my girl that will make it all better.
January 26, 2012 at 10:44 am
Love this post. I read that “carpe diem” article too, and was incredible annoyed by it. Glad to hear that I’m not the only one!
January 26, 2012 at 11:59 am
Love it, love you! Great post, Amber…maybe we should stop being so suspicious of all the “happy mommy bloggers”…maybe they’re/we’re just happy
January 26, 2012 at 1:00 pm
Amber, you have such a way with words, I swear you are speaking directly to me. I can’t even count the number of your posts I cry when reading, it could be because our girls are nearly 1 year to the day apart. I found G’s old clothes the other day at the bottom of the laundry basket, I choose to Carpe the day.
January 26, 2012 at 1:12 pm
I was confused by the Carpe Diem article. Was she telling me not to seize every moment? Although it made her panicky that she was doing something wrong if she wasnt enjoying every single moment, her article made me feel bad for enjoying those moments; as though theres something abnormal with me if all i did was talk about my baby. Suddenly I wanted to curb all my baby-centric status updates and not post too many photos of him. Sure the constant “it goes by so fast” comments get annoying but I just say “Yes I’m enjoying it!” and “I know it goes by fast.” and think no differently about it because that’s exactly what I am doing – enjoying every snuggly warm kiss, every smile and every blow out! Yes it’s hard at times but such as life! Then again I just have a totally different outlook – hard to me is when my grandma told when food was scarce she’d go looking for hermit crabs and boil them with rice to feed her 3 kids. We are so priviledged we don’t know what hard is. I think the reason there aren’t posts telling moms to be happy or how happy they are bc those ppl aren’t shleped over a laptop complaining about it online but out doing just that – carpe diem!
January 26, 2012 at 3:15 pm
Coming from the perspective of someone who isn’t a mom, yet desperately wants to be one, I really hope I view parenting more like you and the other “carpe diem” parents. My mom was a “carpe diem” parent, and my childhood produced some of the best memories of my life. I think the memories are so sweet because my mom truly loved being a mom. I thank her constantly for loving us so much, and giving us the gift of amazing childhoods.
I think some of the women (or men) who complain constantly about parenthood are mostly unhappy with themselves. They should figure out what is making them so disgruntled and work to change that. If not for themselves, for the sake of their children who have to live with them.
January 26, 2012 at 7:49 pm
Go ahead and be happy, but I’m here to tell you, you got your easy one first.
January 26, 2012 at 10:21 pm
Miriam, perhaps. Or perhaps I spent ten years+ of my life as the nanny for many families from preemies to eight years olds (some of them who were actually taller than I), children who have disabilities- both learning and physical; children who are multiples, many children at a time, children who at times attacked the hell out of each other (and me!). I’ve been around rough kids. And I know what you’re thinking, “That’s nannying, this is different from being a parent”. And I wholeheartedly would agree. However, I have been in the depths of hell with children with issues, “spirited” children who need a lot more attention than their younger AND older siblings. And I handled it. At 12 years old.
I’m not saying I’ll ever look back at this and say, “I was such an asshole” because anyone who would guarantee something like that needs to be smacked. However, I do believe that I’m an optimist. I love my life.
And I’m well aware that readers like you are probably super excited for the future and what lies ahead knowing I’m planning on having two children. So while I will go ahead and be happy now, I think I’ll also look forward to being able to prove folks like you wrong. My upbringing taught me to be happy from small things. It’s one of the good things about being raised poor but surrounded by family. You learn to appreciate the small things that boost you up, rather than the big things that take you down.
January 27, 2012 at 3:24 am
I don’t see how someone who I know (yes, know) has an acute understanding of what it feels like to not identify with someone in their current parenting journey could not see that every time you write something like this you alienate your readers. Go ahead and write about how you don’t identify with the Carpe Diem post, I believe you and I think it is awesome. But when you go on and on and on about how you feel this way because you are an optimist or because your poor upbringing made you appreciate the small things, you are insinuating that anyone who doesn’t feel the same way you do must be a pessimistic rich-person.
January 27, 2012 at 3:24 am
Beautiful post. There have been times where I get so frustrated with the lack of sleep and realize I’m not enjoying myself to the fullest. It makes me sad and I want to slap myself and remember to enjoy everyday because time passes too quickly! Carpe diem!
January 27, 2012 at 8:31 am
Alienate your readers? Isn’t a blog a personal journal basically documenting one’s journey and to express ones own opinion. If we start worrying about others on the Internet think about us and our parenting we might as well throw in the towel now. Why do bloggers always have to defend how they feel in all this talk like an episode of Dawson’s Creek. Why can’t I just say I’m happy and love my child right now. Right now! Tomorrow if he grows up to be a terror, well we will deal with that tomorrow. You feel how you feel (happy) and you feel what you feel (the challenges) and that be the end of it. Why do we have to piss on each other.
January 27, 2012 at 11:09 am
So many thoughts!! First, I too am a fan of trying to carpe diem (operative word “trying”) and resent the idea that saying such is something potentially offensive, that I should have to censor. However, I do think I come at this from a slightly different angle from you. Most of my life I have been a pessimist (with several years of what I am now sure was undiagnosed depression in the middle there), so this whole optimist thing is new to me. And, as such, I would disagree that the “norm” is to find parenting horribly difficult and worth complaining about – I think that in our particular little corner of the blogosphere this idea of “keeping it real” (god I hate that expression) and linking to the Don’t Carpe Diem article have been very prevalent, but in society in general, I think there is still the expectation that you should love every moment of being a mom, and I think that is incredibly difficult to be on the receiving end of if you’re having a hard time. And then hearing people say that “well yes of course I love EVERY SECOND” just rubs it in that it’s not an impossible to achieve goal, some people really do feel that way. And during the majority of my life when I was a pessimist, I totally hated those people. They were annoying and gloaty and lacked depth because they must not UNDERSTAND what makes life so difficult and stressful and sad. But now that I’m on the other side, I just find it really hard to hear comments like Miriam’s, because I feel like I have already paid my dues – not on the parenting front because I think my child must objectively be easier than little G – but on the emotional agony front. I have been there, I have felt beaten down by every little thing, and I have been so so so miserable. So now? Now that I cry out of happiness when my son asks me for a kiss? I DON’T WANT to think about everything that’s wrong with the world. I want to be able to enjoy the fact that for whatever reason my outlook or life circumstances or brain chemistry are ALLOWING me to love every single day with my son. Which is not to say that I don’t have incredibly tough days too, days where I put my screaming son in the crib and have to lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes just to clear my head, and count every second until my husband gets home…but even at the ends of THOSE days, that’s not what my mind dwells on as I fall asleep. Even in those worst moments I don’t wish I never had a child or want to “drop kick that bundle of joy off the porch” (like I read someone say recently), I think “wow, Sam had a really rough time today. Poor little guy.” And I drift to sleep remembering the sweet smile he gave me through his tears when he rested his cheek on my chest, or the way he has started flipping his fingers against the page when asked to point out a wheel – trying to spin the wheel in the picture the same way he would on a toy. And that makes me smile and fall asleep happy every single night. It makes me think about the time a friend yelled angrily at me that I don’t appreciate how great my life is (which at the time just meant job I don’t cry at every day like her, and husband when she was single.) All I could think was that a) you have NO IDEA how much I appreciate it and b) if I were to go out of my way to tell you every day how much I appreciate it, you would have hated me even more for rubbing it in how much better my life was than yours. Which is to say, I have been so sad for so much of my life. Now that I’m happy, can’t I just be happy? Can’t I carpe THESE diems after so many in my past were lost to the abyss? Ultimately no one has any idea what anyone else is really going through based on a few blog posts, so let’s try to remember that everyone’s unique experience is THEIR EXPERIENCE and try to be happy for those who are happy and empathetic for those having a harder time. Having a harder time doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad mother, just has having a wonderful time doesn’t make you an insensitive bitch. We all have our own experiences and all are equally valid.
January 27, 2012 at 11:59 am
You know I loathe the “Don’t carpe diem” blog post… mainly because the author insinuates that every person sharing that advice is unaware of HER situation. And that SHE feels guilt for not enoying motherhood the way people are telling her to enjoy motherhood.
Ok. Then stop feeling guilt. But they’re sharing encouraging advice. Realize that those people have regrets not enjoying it during the moment. They’re passing on advice to you about how they wished they had experienced it. Or how they are so happy that they enjoyed the experience they had. Your rejection of their valid experience does nothing, except perhaps lead you to where they are.
When I was pregnant, I had the “lovely” experience of talking to some moms who “told it like it was” to me, be it in front of their kids. How shitty life was as a baby mom, and how now your life revolves around sports and weekends are gone, and you’ll never lose your baby weight, and then they become ungrateful teenagers and… well, you get the picture. And the kids didn’t sound shocked to hear it either. There were these honest moms who, no matter how many times said they loved their kids, were sharing feelings that said the exact opposite. And it was all because they chose to look at things through that perspective of negativity and feel that their lives were taken away and made miserable for a short or extended period of time. Awesome.
I’ve met some amazing people in my life that have a positive outlook that far exceeds mine, and they blow me away. And they are my idols in life, because each day is truly a blessing no matter how much shit gets in the way. I don’t know how many days I get on this planet, but I just wish that others can say that I enjoyed them while they were here. Even when my hands are covered in poo and my daughter threw cereal and milk at me this morning.
January 27, 2012 at 3:37 pm
The thing is I feel the same way about this post as Amber feels about the Carpe Diem post. Glennon, the writer of the Carpe Diem post, isn’t saying that every experience is bad. She’s writing from the point of view of those of us who hear the words, “enjoy every moment”, and get caught up on the word, “every”. I absolutely get frustrated at the mommy blogs and the mommies in person who go on and on an on about how miserable life is having kids. I love my children and I am the first to recognize that not every moment is bad just like not every moment is awesome. The highs are really high and the lows are really low and hopefully at the end of the day they even out. But some days, for some moms, it doesn’t even out. Yes, we love our kids, but you can have a flamingly shitastic day and still love and appreciate your kids.
My issue with Amber’s writing is that she seems to always say things like, “If you have a positive attitude than…” – insinuating that those of us who are in the trenches don’t have a positive attitude. I’m saying that regardless of your background with however many kids with whatever personalities, if you only have mothered one child and that child is admittedly mellow, than perhaps over-generalizations are going to discourage readers.
If we were IRL friends and we were talking over coffee and I was in a bad place with my son, you wouldn’t tell me that it would all be better if I just had a positive attitude like you. And I get it, this is a blog, Amber can say what she wants. I’m just saying that I have every right to be as frustrated by this post as she is frustrated by the original Carpe Diem post.
Listen, when my son was born he was an ah-maze-ing sleeper. From three weeks on, he would go to bed at 7:30 and wake up at 5, 6 or 7 in the morning. We joked (and we still do since my daughter is just as good a sleeper) that we would never mention that in front of my new mommy friends at my new mommy class for fear of getting lynched in the parking lot. All that to say that I understand what it feels like to feel guilty for not complaining. But that doesn’t mean that I automatically defined all those women – who were struggling in those early days with kids who wouldn’t sleep more than a couple of hours in the day – as pessimists while extolling my own optimism.
I’m just saying that this post, and other’s of the same vein that Amber has written, feel accusatory towards me and it feels like she thinks she knows the answer, when the reality is she doesn’t know everyone else’s reality. Should I take it personally, probably not – at least not any more than Amber should take any post I, or Glennon, or anyone else for that matter write personally.
And for what it is worth, I don’t wish for a challenging, spirited child for your second any more than you wish those of us who get pregnant more easily than you to experience the frustration of infertility. What I do wish is that you would have empathy for parents who are feeling discouraged, because (and now I’m beating a dead horse), just because we’re discouraged and we identify with someone who is telling us it is ok to NOT sieze “every” moment, doesn’t mean the reason we feel this way is because we love our children or appreciate the great moments any less than you do.
January 27, 2012 at 5:58 pm
Coasting, I don’t know why you seem to think anything I post about loving my life (Even when it gets hard, which is DOES) is something you need to comment on- repeatedly- as if it’s geared towards you oersonally. In this post (and others, although I’m sure you’ll copy and paste something I’ve posted in the past saying differently), I’m not saying, “Hey, if you think the glass is half full, you won’t hate your life!” In fact, I’m saying, THIS IS WHAT I DO. Not- DO THIS AND BE LIKE ME.
I’ve actually STATED that I am glad there was that OP about women not needing to love every day because I know there are a ton of mothers like that who need to hear that it’s OKAY. I’m not saying feeling that way is WRONG. For ME, it seems that those posts are a little more vocal than the ones I post, perhaps it’s the small circle of people I’m around, but I read about how shitty and hard motherhood can be, and you know what? I’m admitting it can be. I don’t think my kid is any less difficult than some or any MORE difficult than some. I have just chosen to not let my child’s attitude/disposition dictate how I feel.
I get so tired of parents who are almost proud of their misery, and want to talk about it constantly. Why can’t I be just as proud of my lack of misery? Why is it taken so personally from people who barely know me? When I say, man, I love my life, I’m not saying, “Piper is better behaved than your kid, Piper eats better than your kids, Piper NEVER has tantrums.” All that shit happens. CONSTANTLY. Piper wakes up at the crack of dawn, Piper chooses to eat nothing other than nuggets and cheese, Piper wrote all over the walls with non-washable pencil. I have to work as well as parent while surrounded by people who pay me to do my job- not parent. So YEAH, my life gets fucking hard. But do I choose to wallow about anything like that? No, I don’t.
Did I say it’s horrible to do that, that parents can’t wallow and post? No, I did not. Did I say I wanted to write a post to tell parents (many of whom commented on how happy they were to see that) that it’s JUST AS OKAY to NOT want to moan and complain? Yes. I don’t know what people’s lives are like outside of their blogs (those that I read), I don’t know what they come home to. However, I DO know what I come home to, and I do know what I deal with on a daily basis, so if I decide that I want to focus on the good things in MY life, then I am happy to.
I am sorry that my optimistic posts are misconstrued by you (and possibly others) as “You’re doing it wrong” posts, because that is by far not my intention. I do, though, take offense to the implication in your posts that because your son is 4/5 months older than mine, and that because you have a nearly 4 month old you are more worldly when it comes to parenting than I am. Every time you leave a comment saying “Just wait” or “You don’t know how hard it can be” you’re basically saying you know more about all this than I do. Sure, you definitely know more about a lot of things, but just because your son is a few months older and you have a young daughter it doesn’t mean you’re any more versed in parenting than I am (although I admit you are probably more versed in parenting two, because I have only nannied for two, not mothered).
As annoyed as you get with the implications my cheery posts seem to put forth, I am just as annoyed with your repeated comments insinuating that I’m posting to make people feel like shit.
This is a blog with my thoughts. I don’t want people to take what I say as gospel. I parent as I choose, you parent as you choose, and well, we can agree to disagree on all the random topics. I would appreciate it if you would leave your comments at least a little less as a taking-down, or chastising me for not seeming to see things the same way as other parents, as YOU.
And I want you and the other parents out there who think I am not empathetic towards their plight to know that I have really shitty times too, but in the grand scheme of things, they’re but a blip on the radar of my life. I’m sure they appreciate your role as the voice of the parents who don’t Carpe Diem. I’ll be more than happy to assume the role of “Shiny Happy Mama” for the folks like me.
You know, today I had to deal with working the jobs of three people, I had to fix our payroll issues, make sure we had enough money to cover our drafts today, as well as find out what the hell happened to our taxes. From 7am-4pm I was doing all that while dealing with a child who didn’t nap, who drew on the walls, and then had a massive meltdown in the library. When we got home, Piper got to see her father for an hour before he went back out to work, so I have to tackle dinner and bedtime with a non-rested picky child who only wants nuggets and Daddy to put her to bed. I could be moaning about that, but instead I choose to be happy about the fact that it’s Friday, that I MIGHT (please Piper) get to sleep in until 6:30 tomorrow morning (although Paul won’t be home all weekend because of work, so that sucks), and that it’s some quiet time alone once Pipes goes down so I can watch Jersey Shore and eat marshmallows until my exhausted husband comes home.
I know you’re tired of hearing about my “woe is my childhood” comments, but I think this way- positively- because I remember how miserable my parents were. I remember finding out that it was because of us kids that they were miserable. They were poor, miserable and because of that most of the time they were drunk. I promised myself then that I’d never do that to my kids. Even before they told me why they were so miserable I knew, kids are perceptive, you know? While Piper’s no smarter than the average kid, I know she picks up on things. So I prefer to put forth the face that is smiling. The heart that is full. When I get down, I go back to the 13 year old Amber, huddled in her room with the door barricaded writing a letter to Dear Abby, looking for someone to save her, to take away the pain and fear and to just let her have normal parents. Parents who are happy, parents who want to spend time with each other. I had a really fucked up sense of worth because of that. I thought I was useless, that there was nothing I could offer anyone. Anyone who knows me in High School can attest to that. Instead of turning to drinking (which I was terrified of because of my parents), I turned to baby-sitting. Seriously. I took joy in being that stand-in parent for children whose parents couldn’t be there. I went to their beach clubs and on their vacations. I walked the hallways with babies with colic, I let toddlers put soap in my hair while playing “beauty shop”. I held their hands as they started learning to walk. It was the only thing that kept me sane, even if I’d come home to the cops being called because one of my parents pulled a knife on the other one. Being a small part of these children’s lives is what kept me from a lot of harmful stuff. So when I say it could be worse, it could be A LOT worse. I have more than my parents ever did, I have love and support. They didn’t want that life, I didn’t want to live that life. So because I CAN, I choose to instead keep my promise to my young self and remember that it could be worse. Again- this is what I CHOOSE TO DO. Not that any one else is wrong, selfish, horrible for sometimes needing to be sad and hate parts of their lives. I just can’t live in hate anymore, I can’t expose myself to sadness because that’s when the spiral takes me down to the dark part of my history where I question everything I have, everything I am. Instead, I’d rather take the joy in my life and shine it up nice and bright so it takes away all the darkness. Perhaps it’s not the right way to go, but it’s what I need to do to forget how I grew up.
January 28, 2012 at 12:07 pm
1st, as a courtesy, I would appreciate not using my name in these comments as I generally keep my name disassociated with my blog moniker.
With that out of the way, this back and forth is really not productive as we both passionately feel the same way for most of the points we are arguing:
1) We both feel that the mommy bloggers (and moms IRL) who only write the bad stuff for the sake of shock value are as much of a detriment to motherhood as the mommy bloggers (and moms IRL) who write only the good stuff.
2) We both feel we have the right to defend our own experiences when we read something that makes us consider that we should feel more guilty for how we choose to live our lives: in your case, you wrote in response to Glennon’s post. In my case, I’m writing in response to your post.
3) No one should lord their parenting experience over anyone else because they do or do not have more experience. All of our experiences are different, and that is the point I am trying to make when I point out that you have a mellow kid. I’m not taking your posts personally, I’m trying to show the other side and that perhaps you aren’t conveying yourself as well as you want to, but the general gist of the original post you wrote here is smug and self righteous. You don’t have it figured out any more than I do, regardless of how many kids we have and their temperaments.
I absolutely understand that this is your blog and you don’t expect people to take this as gospel, nor should they. However, I would chance to believe that a large percentage of the people who read your blog are mothers of all types of children in all stages of early motherhood. So while you don’t have a responsibility to write to appease your readers, you do have the responsibility to be understanding when someone doesn’t agree with your point of view. Just as I have to have that understanding as well.
What you don’t seem to realize is that the language you chose to use on this post, and on others (which not-so-coincidentally have sometimes been written on the heels of other internet moms openly and honestly sharing their not-so-fairy-dust-filled points of view on their own blogs) sounds accusatory and condescending.
Again, you can write what you want…but don’t be surprised by the backlash.
Lastly, I don’t seek out your posts on motherhood to attack you on. I read in Google reader in the few moments I have in the days to catch up on the lives of others. Once in a while, something comes up that I feel passionately enough about to comment on. THIS is a very passionate subject for me because when I had my son, I was under the impression that I was supposed to feel good about all of it. We all know, he is extraordinarily intense and I was unprepared for that as a mother. In my circles, I’m pretty much known as the upbeat, chipper one…not because I’m being disingenuous, but because I, like you, choose to see the good. But you know what, mothering my spirited child has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my lifetime. When I read the Carpe Diem post, it was another point of validation for me that “yeah, this is hard, and you know what? If along the way I have days when I get to the end of the day and think, ‘Lord – help me forget how bad today was’ I’m not alone.” And you know what? Even more validation came when not only the church leader of my women’s bible study shared it with all the new mothers, but the head of the parenting counseling group that I attend for second time mothers shared it as well.
If I thought that your original post was just a rebuttal of sorts saying that you disagreed with Glennon because of point a, b and c; than I would have said my piece and moved along. But instead, the context of your post felt accusatory to any of us who have ever gotten to the end of the day and though, “you know what, today DID suck”. And we aren’t thinking that because we are over-sensationalizing the pitfalls of parenting and we aren’t thinking that because we aren’t as likely to think optimistically as you, but we’re saying that because that’s where we are in this parenting journey.
I feel your original post was dangerous to anyone new mother who might come across this space and thought to themselves, ‘oh…if only I chose to have a more positive attitude like Amber, then life would be better.”
I liken it to writing about breastfeeding. If you wrote a post about breastfeeding and how you were able to do it so successfully because you had a good attitude about it no matter how bad it got without acknowledging that it is very hard, if not impossible, for other mom’s to do it; than those who are struggling but still trying to keep a positive attitude might feel disheartened and alienated by your post.
Likewise, if you write a post about parenting and how successfully you do it because you have a positive attitude, than those who are struggling but still trying to keep a positive attitude can feel disheartened and alienated by your post.
January 28, 2012 at 12:31 pm
I would edit my comment to not include your name, but my phone wouldn’t let me and I decided to take advantage of the gorgeous day and go to the park.
I’m tired of the back and forth. It’s stupid and pointless and neither one of us will concede.
Just as you feel it’s your duty to the moms of difficult kids to say it’ll get better, it’s just how I feel about saying it’s not our faults if we don’t feel that way.
Honestly, this blog is my tone. Because I write it. I don’t write for money, I don’t write for fame, I write for the sole reason of liking it. If people take offense to the writings of someone they don’t know, then don’t read. If you are annoyed by someone’s opinion, that it’s not like yours and it bothers you, walk away. I’m entitled to say what I like. You’re entitled to your opinion as am I. Repeated comments are replies are silly. As is typing on my phone. I’m done replying to you now, you read into it what you want, I stand by my opinion.
January 28, 2012 at 12:58 pm
OMG…all the changes of tense in the middle of paragraphs! Blerg. This is why I shouldn’t write when exhausted…but somehow I didn’t want to let it go for another 18 years
January 29, 2012 at 11:27 am
Hey – I’m just looking for healthy conversation on this. Were you just a random blogger in the world, it wouldn’t matter as much to me to have a conversation about it. But because I consider you an internet friend (though we have not actually physically met) and because I value and appreciate the voice you give to motherhood on the other boards we are involved with, I think it is important to have discourse. I’m the first to admit that my first comment to this was not my most mature, but it is the most raw and honest. You have to understand that you have friends on the internet that are not going through the same experience as you. In my case, I am really struggling and through the guidance of other mothers in my church and in my life, I know that I am not the only who struggles. Because you aren’t in that place, and seemingly have never been in that place, it seems as though you don’t identify with me in the least. It is broad statements like this one that make me roll my eyes:
“…but with a little support, a positive outlook and well, the tendency to kind of LIKE your life, you can enjoy everything about it- the good with the bad (holy run on sentence!).”
Again, were you a random blogger, I’d shrug it off. But because I was under the impression that I ‘know’ you a bit more through other avenues, I found it important to point out that statements like the one above seem smug and short-sighted. But you won’t even consider that. Which means that you actually think that since I am struggling in my current season of motherhood that I don’t have a positive outlook and, even worse, that I don’t have the tendency to LIKE my life.
Lastly, I get it that this deliberating has been exhausting. Unlike conversations in person, with cadences that allow for shorter banter, it takes a lot of extra effort to covey a point with written text. I’m tired of it too. As a random blogger, I’d want out three conversations ago. As a fellow mom, I’d want out now. As a friend, I’d hope we had reached some sort of understanding, no matter how hard it was to get there. I’m leaving it up to you to define which we are from now on. I, for one, am hoping it is the latter.
February 1, 2012 at 2:26 pm
What an interesting discussion. When I read the Carpe Diem post, I was having a tough day with my kiddos. I have two little girls 20 months apart. One just turned 2 and the other 4 months. It was one of those days where the baby was crying in between each one of the toddlers tantrums and I felt overwhelmed and tired and was counting the minutes until bedtime or at least until my husband could offer a second set of hands. The post made me cry. I didn’t take from it that she was complaining, but more that it’s ok to not enjoy every single second of motherhood. I adore my kids and being a mommy, but I did feel this pressure to enjoy every moment (like rainbows and roses enjoy it) Do I enjoy most moments and most days? Absolutely. But there are some tough days where I crawl into bed and feel bad that I felt frustrated or even worse that I just did it all wrong. Those moments aren’t my favorite.
I think the author was just saying that it’s ok to have those moments or days, and I think there are some mommies who experience more less enjoyable days or moments than others. The motherhood is hard stuff that we see now is absolutely a backlash from the unrealistic portrayals of motherhood that we all grew up with. Where it looks easy and that makes women think they’re doing it wrong because it’s not easy for them. I fell into that category – like I must be a shit mom because sometimes we have bad days. The sweet, well-meaning ladies at Target are sort of offering that scrubbed clean version of motherhood. They have the luxury of looking back on their experience as a whole, knowing that their kids turned out just fine and the mommy with three screaming kids just trying to buy diaper or groceries is in the thick of it and probably filled with doubt because they are looking forward and hoping that their kids will turn out just fine. Maybe a better thing for those little old ladies to say is that when you look back, the tough days won’t be remembered and that they wished they would have savored the good days more.
The time does move by so quickly and I had a similar moment to your onesie moment when I looked back at videos from my oldest girl’s 2nd year and cried because she’s changed much.
I feel like I’ve savored even more moments since reading the Carpe Diem post because it helped free me from feeling bad for not savoring every single moments.
February 1, 2012 at 2:53 pm
You know, Erica, I agree with you. I also thought she was saying it was okay to feel like that- and there are SO many mothers out there who need to hear that. I’m not some Stepford Mom/Wife. Because I submerge myself into my kid there are definitely things that go untouched. I prefer to spend my spare time with my family instead of making a home-made dinner every night, or doing the laundry on specific days (sometimes it piles up for a week). I prefer to let my kid run around all haphazardly dressed instead of spending precious playing time doing her hair perfectly and making sure her outfit matches. My life is far from perfect, and I really, really hope people don’t think that.
I make little money, but my childcare situation is so good here that I can’t leave- I don’t want to. I get to bring her in on Mondays and Fridays! How awesome is that. My husband works a lot to put money in the bank, which sucks. But I get to see him work, which a lot of people don’t get to do with husbands who work all the time. Even though his absences are felt, our marriage is strong and I love him more every day, it could be worse. I could be trapped in a loveless marriage like my folks.
I consider myself lucky. As a kid I wanted few things: I wanted love, I wanted to have a happy marriage. I wanted to be a mother. And I wanted a kitten. Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
As a parent, I try not to make light of issues other people have while parenting. Things I say personally may be misconstrued as something else, which is really not fun. I hate when people try to know my marriage, my family, and judge me on what I put out there, so I don’t ever intentionally do that to another parent.. I could complain more about how Piper naps like, a half an hour max, but at the end of the day, it’s so far from my mind that I don’t think to post about it because it’s a non-issue for me. I’m not trying to cover anything up about her difficulty-wise, it’s just that she changes so much on a day to day basis that by the time I remember to complain about her recent habit of putting crap up her nose, she stops and I had forgotten what it was I was so annoyed about (at the time).
I really appreciate your comment, and all the comments I have received!
February 2, 2012 at 2:49 pm
I totally enjoyed this post, even though it’s not my point of view. Like, at all
I’m definitely not a Negative Nelly, but adjusting to parenthood has been rough, especially with a sleep-challenged child. I identified with the Carpe Diem post mostly because I was sick and bloody tired of people telling me to enjoy every single second. Like, I should be thrilled in the moment to wake up for the fifth time at night and not praying to God that it’s a false alarm and I can sleep more than 90 minutes at a time.
Beneath the surface frustration, though, there is a strong sense of gratitude and joy. I love so much about my baby girl, and being her mama. I just liked the refreshing view that I wasn’t alone in not loving every.single.second. I’m really looking forward to getting past this stage (or really, sleeping in 5 hour chunks or more!) and enjoying more of these moments.
But also, I like this post because if I wasn’t in that camp, it would be nice to know that I wasn’t alone in loving all the moments. In being caught up in the emotional joy that I am lucky enough to be blessed with spit up-clothes and diaper blowouts. And no, that’s, not sarcasm, I think there are many women (especially if they’ve struggled with infertility) that would be so, so thankful for every single second. That’s just not me. But I’m glad there’s a “you” that they can identify with! I just enjoy that there’s options