My name is Amber, and I have something to tell you. First, let me back up… Back in 2008, I was trying to conceive. At the start of 2009, I was still trying to conceive. I was angry, sad, bitter and jealous of women who had what I wanted. When I’d see a “complaint” about being a parent or about a pregnancy, internally I’d wince and clench my fists. I’d think, “You want to trade? I’ll give you my empty womb for your infant’s sleep troubles or the belly full of fetus.” As I’ve said before, even NOW I still find myself angrily closing out a window of a thread on how easy it was to get pregnant, I still find myself remembering the pain of trying to conceive. Now, this is where I speak honestly…

At least once a week I wish I could go back to this time last year, when I was blissfully pregnant and loving every minute of it. Unlike most pregnant women, I never reached that “Get this baby OUT of me” point. I made it to 4o weeks 2 days and still wished I had another 40 to go. While I loved my pregnancy, that’s not why I want to go back in time constantly.

No, and the real reason is why TTC Amber would hate me, why women having trouble trying to conceive would hate me… Of course, I’m here to be honest, so here goes.

Sometimes… I wonder if I’m really cut out to be a parent. Sometimes… I wish I could go back in time to this time last year so I could enjoy all the things I can’t do now. Sometimes… I wonder if I made a mistake.

Yes, I said that. Please don’t bash me.

When I was pregnant, I paid no real thought to how hard it would be to go to work with Piper every single day. I didn’t know how HARD it would be to go back to work after six weeks, when I had JUST gotten the okay to resume normal activities. I didn’t know my life would be so consumed with diapers, billing, nursing, answering phones, sleep deprivation and invoicing. No one told me how hard it was to be a working mom. Then again, there aren’t too many moms who take their kids to work with them every single day. No, while I was pregnant I was basking in the glow that was myself. I was receiving compliments about how pregnancy suited me, and I was enjoying the feel of our baby moving inside me.

I pshawed sleep deprivation, boasting that I was able to run off of five hours of sleep anyway. Of course, those five hours were in one large chunk, not spaced out like it is now. I laughed at people who told me to go out and have fun now- since we weren’t ever really “going out” people. I didn’t know Piper would decide every part of my schedule, from bathing, to sleeping to eating.

Despite all that, I can not imagine my life without Piper. I can’t imagine not seeing that smiling face looking at me every day. Not hearing her squealing giggle when something tickles her just right, not feeling that sweaty head on my shoulder, hearing that suck-suck-suck sound as she soothes herself to sleep.

But, like every single parent in the entire universe, there are days when Piper is uncontrollably grumpy, she’s gotten herself so worked up all I can do is stand there and pointlessly wail, “What? What is so wrong?” There are days when I have work that has to be done immediately, and she’s screaming on the floor, or pulling phone cords out of the wall.

Then, there are days when she falls off the bed, tips face first out of her car seat onto the floor, grabs the dog’s puppy gate so that it falls just-like-that onto her pudgy baby wrist- leaving a bruise when I think, “I don’t think I’m cutting it, here. She deserves better.” The bruise constantly reminding me that I Was Not There In Time. The bruise that told bystanders that Mommy wasn’t on her A Game That Day- of course, it turned out to be a bad week for her, see the above incidents for proof.

If someone had told me while I was TTC that sometimes I’d get thisclose to possibly wondering if I should have gotten pregnant after all,  I’d shoot fire out of my ears and tell them nostrils a’flaring, “You need to get out of my house, you son of a bitch.” I am here to tell you, motherhood is wonderful. Motherhood is hard. Motherhood is doubting the job you’re doing because this time, it’s not only you your decisions are affecting. Motherhood sometimes feels like a burden, and any mom would be lying if she didn’t admit she felt that at least once or twice in her “career” as a mom. I know it doesn’t mean we don’t love our children, it just means we recognize what a HUGE sacrifice it is to be a mom.

I apologize to TTC Amber, for I know what a shock it is to hear that I turned out to be one of those ungrateful mommies after all. I just wanted to share, in case other moms may feel like this every now and then, too.