I couldn’t stay away for long. :)

I’m not going to go into WHY I took the break. I will tell you it was NOT to garner “I miss yous” and “Please come backs”, but they were much loved, and so great to hear, thank you.

Lately I’ve been a little down. I don’t know if post partum depression can extend to eight months post-partum, but well, I was depressed. I felt like a failure as a mother and wife, and employee as well. I want to do so much, but I just can’t.  After a week of crying jags I’m starting to realize that I need to be happy and healthy for my family as well as myself.

To do this, a break was necessary. Sometimes the online world is a little vicious for a nobody like me, while at other times it can be a link to those you’ve learned to love and admire.

While I was going through my down-period, I received so much support from readers, twitter friends, and Bees. Let me tell you… I am so loved. Friends I love but have never met sent me flowers, kind thoughts, emails and twitter DMs. In all my time of being a Bee, the only other time I ever felt like I mattered so much was when I was in the hospital having Piper. For everyone who let me know I mattered to them: Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

I have never felt so low in my life. I considered many things, crawling under a blanket and never coming out… taking meaningless work-from-home jobs so I can work from the comfort of home, possible surrogacy (since I got so good at pregnancy), selling things… In case you’re wondering, it’s not because I lost my job- I just want to be able to make money while working from home. In the end, I pulled a puzzled Piper into my lap and cried. Cried for where I was in life, cried for who I was and who I had thought I’d be by now, and cried for what I wished I could be.

I am done crying. I am a mother now, and like my mother before me, I will do what I have to in order to make things in my life work out. I will work, I will chase after my excessively more mobile baby, and I will snuggle up to my husband at night, forgiving myself for sinking into that pit of despair. Why? Because I can’t be everything to everyone, but if I let myself down I’m letting down Piper. I am okay with myself now, for the time being. I still get sad and wistful sometimes, but I’ll trudge ahead, as per usual.

Again, thank you to every single one of you who held me up while I was sinking.

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