Ambergontrail – Trying to get through life without dying of dysentery

“I’ll try to do it for six weeks at least.”

“I’m going to go for four months, until we introduce cereal, at least.”

“Maybe six months will be the cutoff.”

Now we’re at six months of breastfeeding and it’s not getting any harder nor is it getting any easier. To be honest, while pregnant I had intended to breastfeed for a full year. When you’re pregnant, nine months sounds like a long time, so saying you’re going to do something for twelve months is almost a flight of fancy. I am now halfway through my initial twelve month plan, and I’m wondering when I will stop.

I never really thought about breastfeeding longer than a year, only because that seemed SO far away.  When Piper was born I was just all about taking it one step at a time. I was lucky in that my milk came in just under two days, and the latch wasn’t terrible. Of course, breastfeeding at the start was painful, the connective tissues of the nipple have to break (inside) in order for the baby to be able to get a good latch. When this happens it’s painful, but necessary. When lactation consultants say “correct” breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt, it’s a lie. It DOES hurt. It HAS to at first, your normally smallish nipple needs to be pulled/sucked into your baby’s mouth, so they can feed well. That doesn’t always hurt, it eventually stops, at least mine did. My nipples cracked and bled slightly.

When my milk came in, I just noticed my breasts felt heavy, solid and tender. The lactation consultant came in to see how I was doing with feeding Piper the colostrum I had been leaking for a long time. When I told her my milk was in, she didn’t believe me. “I think you’re talking about colostrum” Listen lady, I know colostrum, okay? So I unveiled my lovelies (ha, not anymore) for her and she said, “Oh, yeah, your milk is in.” Jesus, I know I’m a newbie, but I KNOW when my breasts are engorged, god.  Since this was the second LC (the first came in when I was loopy from painkillers and extremely sleep-deprived, and I literally nodded off while she was talking), she told me I needed to get nipple shells for flat nipples. Yeah, these were a.) useless as my nipples were NOT flat b.) painful and c.) ugly and a pain in the ass. The way it works is, there are two pieces to each shell, the rounded half dome has a few holes in it (the holes are at the top of the shell, otherwise your milk will slosh out) and there is a flat rubber part with a rounded edge hole in the middle, that your nipple is supposed to go through before you snap the flat part onto the domed part. This creates a type of suction which is supposed to draw your nipple out. Well, it’s painful. It’s painful and your nipple ends up looking like a gross meatball. Piper didn’t latch ANY better, and if anything, these shells were a hassle, my milk kept pouring out while I’d just be sitting there, sloshing up to the holes and out of my bra- despite the two thin half-moon absorbent foam inserts that are supposed to soak up the milk.

I kept them on for the three days we remained in the hospital (I didn’t want them to notice I wasn’t wearing them and get mad, STUPID AMBER), but tossed ‘em when I got home. Those suckers were $20.00! I think they just wanted us to buy buy buy. I put the medela lanolin on my nipples, but Piper hated it. Eventually, she got used to eating and wasn’t chomping down with her gums, and by the second week of her life, we were feeding as a pro. Ha, “we”.

I am insanely lucky that I had enough milk for Piper (in the beginning I had too much and dumped it like a moron, thinking it would be that way our whole time), that her latch was excellent, and that my nipples toughened up. This, like pregnancy, is another thing I think I was built for, which is good, since I obviously suck at delivery and math. Maybe god was making up for my inability to count sans hands and feet, and blessing me with this (and cursing me with a teeny pelvis). Either way, we really got into a good routine- Mommy and Piper sitting on the couch, nursing and napping. Funny thing is, the Boppy never helped me breastfeed. Never. My boobs were FAR too large to feed her on the pillow. It was easier to just get a couch pillow or my bed pillow to lay on my lap (as they were thinner and more easily conformable) and feed Piper that way. Since day one of our nursing, I had to hold my boob to avoid smushing her face and smothering her. This is a pain in the middle of the night, but necessary. Otherwise my squishy boob would fold over her nose like dough rising out of a bowl. Even now, when her hands are stronger and her head is stable, she still needs help getting out from under this mound of flesh.

I can’t say breastfeeding is easy. I don’t think being the sole provider of someone’s food is easy. There is the constant worry of having enough to feed them, making sure nothing in your milk is offensive to them or can affect them (spicy, gassy foods), and that there are no issues (clots of milk or mastitis). I am super glad I don’t have to deal exclusively with bottles, though, as being a worrier (and having had Piper’s weight loss at her last appointment), I know I’d be obsessive with amounts, pumping and making sure she eats enough, even if bottle feeding is easier in other ways. Right now, I’m thankful I’m able to still be the sole provider of Piper’s nourishment, even if it’s highly stressful. I do still have a ton of formula still in our cabinets, though, just in case. It’s a semi-good thing that I’m kind of in the dark about how many ounces Piper takes a day, I would end up laying awake at night wondering if she’s going to bed hungry.

At six months of exclusively breastfeeding, it goes well. I know Piper seems to be doing well enough that the doctor isn’t worried about her recent weight loss (and next time you can bet I’m going to feed her before we leave just like the time before last time), and she’s happy and just as much of a love as ever. I’m going to just keep taking each day as it comes, as long as we’re all happy and healthy, I figure breastfeeding will remain Piper’s main provider of calories, even if she starts eating more solid food.

I’ll let you know what happens.

As much as Piper hates green beans, she looooves squash. LOVES it.

Hm, this isn't too bad!

Since Paul had a work function to attend to, the squash/rice cereal combo was mine to tackle for the night. While she’s usually whining and sticking her fingers in her mouth (while slapping the high chair and blowing food raspberries all over us), the squash night was different. She just sat there, leaning into the corner of her chair constantly opening her mouth for more. Instead of the two tablespoons we’re supposed to work up to from the previous night’s one tablespoon, I was enjoying her eating the squash so much that I just kept feeding her. Yes, it was wrong. Still, she slept better than she had in a long time, and only got about an ounce, anyway.

This is Piper, in love with Squash.

Could she BE any happier?

Not only did she eat every bite of rice cereal, every bit of the squash I gave her, but she also wanted to lick the “bowl”.

Is a caption really necessary?

Girl loves her squash! Of course, I paid for her squash love- baby had a GROSS poop that was thisclose to being like a human poop. GROSS.

Saturday starts a new food- avocado!

My baby is six months old today. SIX MONTHS! At this time six months ago I was in labor, sending emails saying “No baby yet”, and I had JUST gotten my epidural. So, at this moment, I was passing out, and my Mother-In-Law was peeking into my hospital room.

Piper is now eating real solids.

“Me no likey Green Beans, Mama”.

"If I close my eyes it won't know I'm here"

She has realized she does NOT like green beans mixed with rice cereal.

"Why do you take pictures of this?"

After this bite she visibly shuddered. SHUDDERED. It was funny and sad. Then, she said, “ig”, which we took to mean “OH MY GOD I HATE YOU MOMMY AND DADDY- WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?”

Yesterday, I realized she’s just like her mommy.

New pretzel m&ms, delicious!

Have you tried these? TO DIE FOR. We found them at CVS and Target. Yes, I bought two bags- medium and large. And yes, medium is gone now.

Piper has pretty strong arms!

The paci is a prop!

Piper enjoys being wrapped in scarves,

So happy!

Do-it-yourself photography (she took this while grabbing at my phone)

Artistic, no?

Little ponytails

Baby ponytail!

But she HATES paparazzi.

Remiscient of Sean Penn, no?

Ah, Piper, my love. She who wakes me any time from 10pm to 6am. The one who makes it hard to get work done, hard to get housework done, but easy to see why I’d rather be doing anything else with her. Our lives were changed irrevocably 6 months ago, and while I was terrified out of my gourd on that day, today I can’t imagine anything better having come from the two of us.

Happy Six Months, my dear girl. You’ve been a treasure thus far.

Well…

It’s here.

My poor skinny baby

My face is not cool looking

Piper had her six month appointment, and it became clear: I suck at feeding my baby. She’s lost almost 3 ounces in a month.

I’m hoping it was a mixture of not feeding since three hours before (Doc was running late and I didn’t want to feed her right before her appointment because she will be needing the nursing consolation after shots) , and pooping before that amounted (ha) to lack of a weight gain.

Still, when that nurse asked me if Piper had been sick while weighing her, I felt cold. “No, she hasn’t. Has she lost weight?” About three ounces, the nurse said. We weighed her again, to Piper’s dismay. Yep, still lost the weight. She didn’t grow any longer, either. Her head got a teensy bit bigger, though. Nothing makes you feel worse than hearing your baby didn’t grow any bigger in a month- well, other than hearing they lost weight. My baby isn’t flourishing.

I’ve taken to drinking a ton of water a day, since my supply must be dipping. I haven’t really shared this but I’ve been pumping to get milk for her cereal, and it takes me forever to get one ounce. Then, I use that ounce for her cereal. I thought that it was like before, when I have abundant supplies of milk. I guess I need to eat more and drink more to bring it back.

I’m dismayed and depressed about this.

At least she didn’t hate the shots as much as last time. This is her after, with a nice dose of tylenol

So innocent and sweet.

Yesterday I was shunned by a group of moms with babies around Piper’s age. I work in a business park with a ton of places to sit outside and grab food (also, there is a park nearby as well). A lot of mommy groups meet up here because it’s close to the park, plenty of open space and adjacent to residential streets.

My boss’ daughter had brought me a Sprinkles Salted Caramel cupcake (to die for, seriously), so I headed downstairs to the Starbucks to buy a cupcake to eat while using the holder for my Sprinkles cupcake. What? You think that’s wrong?

Since Starbucks was out of cupcakes (I just put the Sprinkles one in my stroller’s cupholder), I decided to have a seat downstairs while waiting for our ride home.  I saw a trio of moms with their Piper-aged babies, and threw them a smile. They glanced at me, in my larger-than-needs-to-be hooded sweatshirt and baggier-than-necessary track pants and seemed to stare right through me. Did they notice my adorable (and smiling) daughter in the stroller with me? I can’t answer that.

Piper and I look alike, enough that people hopefully know who her mother is.  Still, there are a TON of nannies in this area, and I’m afraid I looked like I was my daughter’s nanny. Despite getting the “LOOK” from the trio of mommies, I sat down at the table nearest them and smiled. Rolled Piper a little closer while also pushing her shade back so she could look at the other babies.

We sat.

And sat.

Smiled our little hearts out. Yes, WE smiled our little hearts out. Piper was grinning like a fool at the other babies (one of the moms had left at this time), who were also looking at her. Piper didn’t even notice me, just kept staring at these babies whose mothers didn’t even know she existed (or pretended quite well).

A few times Piper reached her hands out toward the baby closest to us, no use. I said hello to them, nothing. Inched my chair a little closer and said hi to the babies, who DID notice I existed. Meanwhile, they were talking about the hospital they delivered in. MY hospital. We could have been there at the same time.

I wanted to shout, “Hey! Me, too! I delivered there, too! I’m not her Nanny!” Instead, I sat there while they literally turned their back on me and my daughter, who never let that smile fall off her face.

As I sit here, rehashing all this, I think of that look on her face. That smile that catches so many people off guard, the way it just changes her whole face. She was gifting those strangers (and their babies) with that smile, that one in a million grin full of pearly pink gums and a quick tongue- and they rejected her.

I know part of being a mother is being strong for your children. I am aware of that. Still, remembering the smile that wasn’t returned, the rejection from women who call themselves MOTHERS, and I tear up. I never, ever, want to have to watch my child smiling to be noticed, reaching out for acceptance for naught.

I’m tearing up just remembering her face. The smile never leaving, even though she may as well have been ignored. I don’t think I like these Mommy Wars very much.

“Motherhood is the hardest and most rewarding thing you’ll ever do- that you’ll ever love doing”.

You know how everyone tells you that? You don’t really know, don’t really believe it until you’re a mother. I remember feeling resentment when reading about mothers “complaining” about how hard their lives were with their babies. “I’ll gladly take that baby from you”, I thought, again and again. I thought they were being ungrateful.

Then Piper had a hard time one night, crying and crying, inconsolable. Gas drops, gripe water, rocking, shhhhhing, humming, bouncing… nothing worked (read my friend’s blog here about her dealing with that today- this is what brought this blog post to mind). Teeth grinding, resentment building toward Paul for not needing to be awake- what could he do? I thought about where I was at that exact time the year before- and wished I could be there. I wished I could JUST ONCE, have a break. Just enjoy one last baby-free day/night.

Then I felt bad. She was a new baby, she didn’t know what to do yet. Crying is her only way of getting anything across to me. SOMETHING was making her miserable, and my job as Mommy was to either find it, or just make her as comfortable as possible so she can know I’m here for her, no matter what. I considered what a blog post would sound like to others who had been in my position, TTC for a bit, desperately wishing for a baby. I felt guilty, but you know what? I have earned the right to whine about my “I’m never ever going to bed eveeeeer” baby. I am a mother.

Now I feel guilty for ever thinking other women didn’t deserve the right to complain.All I can say in my own defense is that I was stupid, and petty.

Now, though jealous of my preggo friends because that was one of the greatest, most fulfilling times of my life, I think evilly, “Ha, they’ll be in MY boat soon enough. ” Welcome to Mommy-hood, ladies. It’s a blast.

Sometimes the internets are like High School. “Why isn’t she following me on twitter? I’m not going to follow HER then”. “How could she just refuse my friend request? Hello, I’ve known you since we were FIVE.” “Why did she take me off her blog roll? FINE, I’ll take her off MY blog roll”.

Now I know why some people delete their facebook accounts, stop twittering and make their blogs private- it’s all a bunch of petty crap that takes up way too much time.

To steal the idea from my friend Julie (whose blog I will not link to because I don’t know if it’s supposed to be private or not), this is a listing of what Piper got from whom.

Eyes: Shape is Paul’s, color is yours, Piper

Mouth: Top lip is his, Bottom lip is mine.

Ears: Yours

Nose: His

Cheeks: his

Hairline: Ours

Fingers: his, nails also his

Toes: His

Tush: Mine (sorry)

Eyelashes: Yours

Face shape: His

Head Shape: his

Chin: Mine

Skin coloring: His

Legs: His

Eyebrows: Mine

It really is such a combination of the two of us, that it’s hilarious. The comments go “Wow, she’s SO her Mommy!” to “Daddy 100%” . I love it, I love that you can tell who her parents are, but neither one of us feels left out. Together we made a baby, and you can see that all over her body.

… at just shy of six months.

5 Months

Length: 25 inches (total growth since birth 6.5″)

Weight: 16.6 pounds (total weight gained since birth 8 pounds)

Head circumference: 41.1cm (total gain 5 cm)

She is now rolling over, grabbing and gumming her feet, watching us eat while moving her own mouth to eat, playing with her rattles and hating her swing. Piper is still fitting into her car seat, and only changed to size three diapers a week before her 6th month birthday. Piper likes to “talk” and enjoys having you repeat her “phrases”

Piper has been to her first Renaissance faire, and now sleeps in her crib. She has begun rice cereal, and LOVES it, and can sit up unassisted. Well, she needs help to get to sitting up, but once assisted can sit that way for minutes at a time.

Always quick with a smile, her whole face changes when happy (which is most of the time). People comment on how great her smile is, when bestowed with one. We are incredibly lucky to have such a happy baby! Piper gets super happy when in her exersaucer or jumperoo, and who wants to deny her that? Not us!

We are so lucky to have this girl.

Relaxing at the Doubletree

Piper has been rolling onto her back for what seems like months now (when in reality it was April 7th), so you could have shocked me when she decided she needed to use this talent in the middle of the night. Seriously. At 12am, 1am, 3am, 4am… she would constantly start crying when she’d wake up on her tummy.

One night got so bad that I decided to forget my usual “routine changes only on the weekend” and just put her in her crib, since I figured perhaps she just needed space to roll back to her back. Well, this was not the reason she was crying. Nope. It seems Piper has forgotten how to roll back onto her back! Therefore, she rolls in her sleep and wakes up when she can’t figure out how to roll back. It’s really sad when you think of it! This is why I go in every time to soothe her and roll her back- well, until the third time a night, when it’s 4am, and she just needs to figure out how to sleep on her tummy, since she has strong enough neck control that I don’t worry about SIDS/smothering as much.

During the day, Piper has so much time on the floor. Ha, that sounds crappy, right? I mean she’s on the rug playing with her toys, just rolling onto her tummy, sitting up, playing with her feet. I’m trying to teach her how to roll onto her back from her tummy, since she KNEW how to do it before! Now, though, it’s very difficult for her. She can sit up and all, so I’m not worried, but boy, does this disrupt our sleep! She had been steadily sleeping through the night then, too. Bummer!

I actually contemplated buying a stronger sleep positioner, because we both have to wake up early to go to work, and when she’s had a difficult night, well, she’s grumpy all day, and often fights the naps. She has a sleep positioner right now, but when it’s not in the bassinet, there is just too much room for her to jump the sides and last time that happened she wound up with her feet mashed into the mesh bumpers, and it was just misery for all involved.

There’s the thought that a sleep positioner inhibits Piper, and keeps her from learning how to do things. Of course, for awhile we’ve been using her wedge and positioner because she was super congested and often has a lot of phlegm. This is the best thing for her. I’m thinking of getting a crib incline, since it doesn’t look like she likes laying flat on her back. Perhaps a positioner at six months is a little too much, and I’ll brave another week of her flipping and flopping in her crib, at least until her pediatrician appointment on Friday, when I’ll ask the doctor her opinion.

Of course, this all started around the time of her first solids. Who knows, maybe the rice cereal got her nerves firing and she decided to roll all around.