Ambergontrail – Trying to get through life without dying of dysentery

Well, I am sitting here in my hospital bed, listening to the sounds of Piper’s heart and Paul’s snores. Do not be angry with him for sleeping, I made him lay down, after all. I know that it’s easier for him to sleep now than it will be later, when my pains increase.

Already I’ve felt some doozies, but up to now the worst pain was getting the IV in. Holy crap it was painful. So far the most ongoing discomfort is this bed, I just can’t seem to get into a comfy position, and it’s driving me crazy.

On the TV I am watching A Christmas Story, one of my favorite movies of all time. Perhaps it wasn’t the best idea, as I wonder if I’ll forever associate this movie with the pain of childbirth.

Today I was a teary mess, crying over saying goodbye to everyone and leaving work. Now that it’s just Paul and I, alone, I have all I ever imagined. I can’t put into words how fabulous he is and has been. He seems to know exactly when I need him most, and reaches out his hand to give me something to hold onto in the most needful of times. This is why you can’t be angry at him for sleeping while I’m not. I know that he’ll be here when the pain is too much, and my fear is too great.

Today (since it IS after midnight), we bring our daughter into the world, can you believe it?

I’ve come to a realization. No matter how, no matter when- planned or unplanned- I’m going to have a real baby of my own. She’s going to be part me and part Paul. She’s going to smell fresh and be so soft I will feel badly touching her with hands that aren’t nearly soft enough to caress her cheek.

When she comes out, Piper Jane will know my voice. She’ll know her Daddy’s voice and turn towards us when we talk. She’ll hear Grandpa’s voice and recognize it from the daily trips home. She may even remember Woofie’s bark. How is it possible that she knows us so well, and hasn’t even met us yet?

I’m still nervous about the birth and the hospital stay, but hello- it was inevitable. I’m going to miss so much, but I’m sure I won’t even have time to think about it- in three days I’m going to be a Mommy!!

Yesterday I had my 39 week appointment. Boy, I have had more fingers and hands in my junk than I would ever have imagined. Don’t think me naive- I knew eventually SOMEONE would be elbow deep in my nether regions, I just didn’t expect it during a routine exam.

Of course, the internal exam is pretty much routine during the last few weeks of pregnancy, and  yesterday was not different.

Our visit began with a wait in the waiting room, where I sat beside one of Paul’s former students. Yes, you read that right. One of Paul’s former students was next to me in the Gyno/OB’s office. What a small world. Lest you think I’m jumping to the “she’s young and pregnant” conclusion, let me tell you we overheard she was three months pregnant. How crazy is that? We are old enough that people we watched grow up are having babies. Holy crap!

Not long after we arrived, we were called back by our favorite nurse, Monica. Since our OB had been on maternity leave for a few months, we had been dealing with a crappy stand-in OB and her slightly less crappy (but just as cold) nurse. Boy, did we miss our OB and Monica. As I got up from the chair Monica said, “Wow, you’re really pregnant!” It’s pretty funny, considering she sees pregnant women constantly. As we did my weight and I gave my urine sample, we caught up on what’s been going on. She asked how heavy the baby is estimated, and gasped when we told her. That’s when she said, “Well, no wonder you’re all baby!” Monica mentioned how low I am carrying (sidenote: shouldn’t I FEEL how low she is? I feel no lower than a month ago!), and asked if I stopped working. When I said I was still going in every day she said I was tough, but it’s good to get myself out there and moving.

She took us to the room, checked my blood pressure and urine for protein then asked me to take off my “bottoms” and get ready for the doc. When the doctor walked in, I was so excited! Unfortunately, I was laying back and relaxing on the stirrup table when she came in, and I grabbed for a hand-hold to help me sit upright. I was floundering like a fish out of water, man. She saw me scrambling and gave me a hand up, then mentioned she was going to hear the baby’s heartbeat as well as check the size of my fundus (uterus), so I had to lay back down again!

After hearing her heartbeat (in the 140s), and measuring my fundus (she frowned), she did a manual manipulation of my belly- something Stand In never did. “Yeah, she’s pretty big, very large.” She gave me a hand to sit up again and asked us if we had talked about induction with the S-I (Stand In). I told her the S-I had told us to talk about it with HER. 

So I mentioned my fear of pitocin, and also my fear of c-sections. The doctor told me that from the size of her, and her fluid in there, that letting me go past my due date would risk me having a c-section anyway, because I may not be able to deliver her vaginally, as babies get a lot bigger when they go past their EDD. 

Since we were still a little hesitant (me moreso than Paul), we have scheduled an induction for Monday at 10pm. Basically we’ll go in, get settled and they’ll break my water. Then, a small dose of pitocin will start. To bring the baby on sooner, Doc stretched me out “down there”, and attempted to sweep my membranes. She was wrist deep in my vagina for a very long time, I must say. The experience wasn’t necessarily PAINFUL, but it was very uncomfortable, and that “pressure” was awful. I was gripping onto the little hoo-hah lamp they have next to the table and looking Paul in the eyes, who looked ME in the eyes- nowhere else. He mouthed, “I love you” as I grew pale and held my breath unwillingly. “I’m touching her head”, she said, as the discomfort grew stronger.

Finally, after what seemed like eons, she pulled out her hand and I breathed out the gust I had been holding. “You have a high threshold for pain”, she said. Really? You could have fooled me! Paul looked over at me, eyebrows raised, seeming pretty impressed. That’s right, I have a vagina of steel. Apparently so, as I had made zero progress from the week before. Still, I was progressed enough that a small dose of pitocin won’t be the devil it is for people who aren’t dilated or effaced enough. And, as Doc said, hopefully the internal roto-rooter she had just given me would do more than cause massive spotting and inability to sit down- maybe it’ll get things moving so inducing is a moot point.

She told us she’d put us on the books for Monday, and to call if anything seems to be happening, or I feel something is wrong (i.e. the baby isn’t moving as much). Doc’s on call all this weekend so no matter what we’re taken care of. She gave us our checkout sheet, and we walked to the checkout office for the last time before we have our baby.

A plan is in motion, my friends. Either way she comes, at this time next week I’ll have an outside baby.

As I said before, I’ll miss this:

I’ll miss the looks of joy people send me when they see me getting out of cars or walking with Paul. People love pregnant women.

I’ll miss her shifting inside me, not so much the baby claws grabbing at my cervix.

I’ll miss rolling over in the middle of the night and feeling a thump, just to let me know she’s okay.

I’ll miss the closeness Paul and I have shared over this new life, the many appointments where we saw/heard our baby growing.

I’ll miss reaching down and knowing that’s her in there, all snuggled up.

I’ll miss walking around with a little kicker getting me on the side, unbeknownst to everyone around me.

I’ll miss the exclamations of how big I am now. Seriously, I’ll miss that!

I’ll miss just rubbing my hands on my belly, to feel the connection.

Because I’m still here. Thank goodness.

After Friday’s bloody show, I was terrified that birth was imminent. I went home, washed the bassinet bedding, started getting our bag ready, and cried to myself. Why did I cry? I think it’s a  mix of the unknown and the fact that our lives are going to change greatly.

I’m not afraid of the pain of labor, I’m not even afraid of the newness of it all. I’m afraid I won’t be happy, to be honest. How is that possible, after I tried for so long? I’ve loved every single second of this pregnancy, I really have. What if I am a bad mother? To add to that, I’m nervous about the protocol of calling our parents. Do we call them when we go in? Do we call them when I’m settled in? I don’t want to have to wake them up in the middle of the night, even though I know they’re waiting for it. The very idea of a horde of grandparents and siblings waiting out in the waiting room for me to birth our baby gives me hives. I hate making people wait, and this is like, the ultimate wait. According to the hospital rules, we have to stay in our delivery/labor room for two hours (Paul, the baby and I), then we’re moved to a postpartum room that I will be in for the next two nights. So what’s the point?They won’t be able to see us right away, and it could possibly be 5am, after a heavy night of labor. I can understand wanting to be there when the baby is born, but it’s not healthy for us to have her and wait the two exhausted hours then move rooms, to have our family visit, two at a time (also per hospital rules).

Honestly, we’ll be there for two nights. We’ll have plenty of time to accept visitors, right? It’s just now about how to let the family know this is what I want. I could call my mom, she’d understand, I think. I’ll just say that the hospital rules are no visitors for at least two hours post delivery. Depending on the time we go into labor, PJ could be born during normal hospital hours, and the two hour wait could still leave us perfectly in a normal time. What if she wants to come in while I’m laboring? What if I labor for an extremely long time? Since it’s a rooming-in hospital, PJ will be with us the whole time. It’s not like they can walk to the nursery while we’re sleeping and peek in on the new family member. No, to see the baby they have to see US. Then there’s Paul’s mom, that’s different. This is her fifth grandchild, first one since six years ago. I could see her showing up anyway, since she wants to be a part of it all. She’s not bitchy, or greedy or selfish. She just gets excited. If we bring Paul’s sister into the mix, she could be easily persuaded to pitch a tent in the waiting room despite what we ask of her.

Last night I fell asleep at 10:40pm. I woke up later- about midnight, just thinking about things we had to do and what will happen. An hour later I was still awake, this time Paul “somehow” woke up, as well. Okay, okay, I kicked him. I feel bad about it, but I needed him to reassure me everything would be okay. Together we talked about what’s going to happen, what we’re going to do, and other random stories until 3am, possibly later. He woke up again at 8am, going to get breakfast with his BFF (“So you said this could be the last of the Saturday morning breaksfasts?” the BFF said. “Well, a party of two, yes” Paul replied), he woke me to let me know, then took off. I had a hard time sleeping again. Finally, I drifted in and out of sleep, having dreams where I smacked Paul for going to a dessert buffet without me, and also waking to watch cartoons on PBS Kids. Finally up for good at noon (Seriously), Paul and I stayed in bed until 4 when we went to pick up a pizza. Then we settled on the couch to watch Wizard of Oz. Now, he’s sleeping while I blog and watch tv, and curse myself for not doing anything I was going to do today.

Tomorrow, if I hold on, we have to get the stroller frame and nipple cream, install the car seat and do the dishes. I hope I have a few more days in me.

Now, back to bed. Thanks for reading. I’ll be sure to keep you all posted on any news.

Time keeps on tickin’.

In the mindset of complete over-sharing… I’ve spotted my bloody show. I pulled my pants down to pee and there it was, just sitting there.

So.

I’m not ready for this.

How far along? 38 weeks five days
Total weight gain/loss:  Not sure, but the baby is huge.
Maternity clothes? Si
Stretch marks? I think a new one may have popped up
Sleep: Has the worst night ever last night, I was delirious with lack of sleep and dreamt of Glee. My belly hurt so much I could barely stand it.
Best moment this week: Finishing the crib, seeing her for the last time on ultrasound.
Movement: Shifting and painful.
Food cravings: Soft serve ice cream and soft pretzels.
Labor Signs: I’m nearing 2cm dilated, and I’m 80% effaced.
Belly Button in or out? Eh, flat.
What I miss: I’m going to miss Woofie being the house “baby”. Poor Guy!
What I am looking forward to: Time alone with Paul and Piper.
Weekly Wisdom/ Snide Comments: Aaaaaand it’s back! “Congratulations! Are you having twins?” Seriously, man.
Milestones: Piper was measured at 8lbs6oz today. Meaning, she’s already waaaay past my birth weight of 5lb4oz. We may induce next week.

Pics (lucky you guys! You get to see my horrific stretch marks caused by the gigantic baby I’m baking)

This pic here is what happens when  a midget has a big baby

Luckily, Paul and I have tomorrow off- which is a bit of a novelty, since we rarely get small holidays off together. We just realized we had the day off last week, in fact!

So, I figured it might be a good time to take that hospital tour we haven’t been able to take yet. Well, I called and the only tours are the 18th and the 21st. Most likely I’ll have her then and won’t really need a tour, oh god, or I’ll be PART of their tour.

Anyway, here is my list of To-Dos, for tomorrow and beyond:

- Pack my hospital bag (do I just add her stuff to mine? Or do I pack a separate bag?)

*Do laundry to put in the bags

*Must buy breastfeeding stuff- lanisoh, a pump, another nursing bra

*Need to get new pants to wear

*Slipper socks are needed as well

*Find the camera. Yes, it is missing. Yes, I am going crazy.

*Gather busy things- books, movies, ipods,  batteries for various things, snacks

- Pack stuff for the baby (list written out for my own sanity)

* Two different sets of fleece footie outfits, in different sizes.

* Socks, hat, mittens

* Two different sizes of cooler clothes, should this warm weather hold.

* Blanket

* Extra diapers, just in case

*Pacifier?

- Need to get these essentials for in and outside the hospital

* We need to get the Graco Snugride stroller frame

* We need to have her crib built

* As I mentioned, the breastfeeding supplies, since I will be going back to work WITH the baby at 6 weeks post partum.

* I need to make a list of rules for the baby visitors

* We need to have Woofie all set-up for staying with Dad while we’re in the hospital

* Speaking of Woofie, we need to have someone bring a diaper home to him while we’re in the hospital. Maybe even a baby shirt to get a whiff of the new member of the family.

- Get nails to hang the prints I bought off Etsy

- Have Paul finally put up the wall decal

- Get the Bulletin Board put up on her door

- Move the glider into the nursery

- Charge the monitor

- Sterilize all bottles and pacifiers

- Start stocking up on house stuff- toilet paper, paper towels, bags for Woofie  poo

- Finish the last of the thank you cards

- Sleep

Wow.  It’s hard to believe we’re actually planning on having this baby. 12 days until the due date. TWELVE DAYS. 12 days for me to worry constantly, scare the hell out of myself by watching live birth videos on the internet, and wonder if “Piper Jane” is really a good name after all (don’t worry, this is my M.O. always second guessing myself).

Many have guessed I won’t make it past the upcoming weekend. I don’t know about this. I do know I’d love a reprieve from the daily phone calls from the grandmothers to be, asking if I was feeling well. Yes, I’m feeling fine. You’re not helping my anxiety, though!

How far along? As of the picture, I was 37w5 days.
Total weight gain/loss:  I have lost four pounds in a week.
Maternity clothes? Yerp.
Stretch marks? Same ol’ same ol’.
Sleep: Pretty good, aside from the carpal tunnel and having to hold my belly to turn over.
Best moment this week: getting her room together (minus the damn crib)
Movement: Still pretty vigorous. Now moving from pokes and jabs to large shifts.
Food cravings: Cold oranges and a virgin margarita.
Labor Signs: Does being 1cm dilated count?
Belly Button in or out? It’s almost flat.
What I miss: Not looking intently at every wipe of tissue in the bathroom, trying to find mucous plug. This is a really gross habit.
What I am looking forward to: Possibly having a crib someday. Can you tell I’m very angry and bitter than my SIL can’t make time to come help us set it up, when she said we weren’t allowed to build it ourselves?
Weekly Wisdom/ Snide Comments: “Haven’t had that baby yet? You’re huge!”
Milestones: I am dilated 1 centimeter. This means sooner or later she’s got to come out of there.

Pic:

I just wanted to apologize for the lack of posts lately. I’ve been getting overwhelmed with to-dos (not actually DOING them, but listing them) and taking continuous calls from the grandparents to be (honestly, do they really think that we won’t call them when something is going on?) as well as the daily things we do anyway.

I’m feeling very “rushed” right now.

You should know this “she could be born at any time” business is greatly interfering in my birthday. Okay, just kidding. No, it just seems that everyone is so wanting me to be careful and take care of her/myself that no one wants me around! If we make it close to Thanksgiving, people are going to bring us food instead of letting me be normal and go to THEM. I was going to go to my aunt’s house this weekend for my annual birthday dinner, and instead she’s saying I’m too far along and need to stay home.

I understand needing to rest. I really do. I also wish this birthday, a momentous birthday- wasn’t so overshadowed by the new arrival to-be.  I’m too pregnant to have a party, and I can’t really “party” anyway. Still, I feel like it’s less about me as a person, and more about “the baby’s mom”. I always thought my 30th would be a big party, full of loved ones. Instead it appears I’m going to be forcing Paul to take me out (since he took me out for our anniversary on Tuesday) again for virgin margaritas, then home for more “getting ready for baby” stuff.

I know I sound like QUITE the sad sack, please forgive me.  I know everyone is super excited about the baby, but getting phone calls on your 30th birthday that are, “How is the baby? Any news?” instead of “Happy Birthday!” are kind of saddening! Instead of shopping for a cute new handbag, I have to find an F cup nursing bra, hoping that contains my huge boobs. I also need to buy slipper socks, too, and get a nightgown that won’t get ruined from bloodstains. This is how my 30s are beginning.

I think I’m just starting to feel the slip from Amber, loving wife to Amber, Piper’s mom.