One of the classes Paul wanted to take was Childcare Basics. It’s supposed to teach you about the various things like bathing, umbilical cord care, swaddling, diapering, how to dress the baby, learning the baby’s cues. Sounds pretty useful, right?
Well, it wasn’t. It was the most useless three hours I have ever spent in my life. Even worse, it was the most useless three hours I have ever had to PAY for.
First, we arrived at our delivery hospital, excited to be going to the maternity ward for our class. Imagine our surprise to see that it was moved into some crappy tiny conference room a floor below maternity. We arrived at the room to see two rows of chairs, a big plasma screen tv at the front of the room, and two small tables- one arranged with hot water (for various teas and instant coffees, along with the various hot beverage condiments), three pitchers of ice water, and a tray of oatmeal raisin cookies; and another with 8 baby dolls in various states of undress.
Since a few couples were already seated haphazardly (really, you can’t move to the last chair in the row? You HAVE to sit one chair right of the last chair in the row, making it impossible for another couple to fit in that row), Paul and I took seats at the very end of the front row. As we waited for the rest of the class to join us, I glanced at the other preggos with me, comparing my belly to theirs (like you wouldn’t do it). I wondered who was farther along, what the sex of the baby was, things like that. Well, I wasn’t the LARGEST belly in the room- I don’t think. Paul said I wasn’t but maybe I’m not as far along as some of the ladies there? I saw some definite belly-button poppers in there, that’s for sure.
Finally, all the “students” trailed in and seated themselves. The instructor introduced herself (unintelligibly) and proceeded to tell us her qualifications. She asked how many have never changed a diaper before- Paul was one of the few with his hand raised, bless his heart. The guy next to me, with a tiny wife with a tiny belly (and a not so tiny French accent) asked if the doll the instructor was holding was about the size the babies could be. She tossed him the doll and said “Well, this is the small side of the range of sizes, typically babies are born at about 7.5 pounds, and that one is 6 pounds.” She then told him he was holding the baby wrong (he was kind of holding it in one hand and leaning it against the leg crossed over his knee).
Finally, we got down to the actual class. It seemed to be a lot of “Don’t do this, don’t do that”, interspersed with a few man-hating remarks. Seriously, folks. Paul was counting. At one point in the beginning, she mentioned Daddies should watch to make sure they don’t shake the baby. No, it wasn’t a warning to all of us, JUST THE DADDIES. Besides the obvious sexist remark, WHO DOESN’T KNOW NOT TO SHAKE A BABY???? All joking aside, she mentioned NOT shaking the baby at least three times. THREE TIMES. A few of her other cutting remarks regarding men: “Now, I’ve noticed the Dads tend to want to play around with the babies, but when they’re newborns, Mommy has to tell them NO. The Daddys can’t help it.” Another gem: ” Mommies, maybe you should let Daddy do some work around the house while you’re taking care of the baby. They might mess up, but that’s okay.” Really lady??
The three hours consisted of her talking about what she thinks we should all do “From her experience”. Then the couple next to me asked stupid questions, “When is it safe to move the baby from the bassinet to the crib?” reply: “Well, no one can really tell you that, you can do it the first night or three months later, it’s up to the parents.” Idiot Couple Reply: “I’m looking for an actual time here, one month? Three?” Instructor: “It’s really up to you.” Idiot Couple Question #2: “We have a cat” Instructor: “Should be sure to vacuum a lot.” Couple: “She’s hypoallergenic” (which actually isn’t true. As long as a cat has fur and saliva it’s not hypoallergenic) Instructor: “She has no fur?” Couple: “No, she’s just got none of the stuff that makes cats allergic.” instructor: “Soooo, your question?” Couple: “Can the baby play with the cat?” Amber: “OH SWEET JESUS SAVE ME.”
Twice the instructor had us watch snippets from a peach of a movie from LITERALLY 1981. It was four or so couples bringing their baby home, called “The First Week” or something. I don’t know what it was called as I lost coherency as the first mother showed up sporting a Princess Di circa 1982 haircut and a trapeze style maternity dress. Her husband was wearing large glasses and boy, I feel sorry for that guy. The movie had bad sound (especially on the plasma screen! What an injustice to Samsung!), and the parents did everything we are now told not to do: The dad of one boy newborn covered him up with loads of blankets (offense #1) then patted/shook the baby side to side vigorously while the infant was trying to sleep (offense #2). A couple was bathing their son after the umbilical stump fell off, only supporting the chest while the head flopped back and forth (offense #3). Overuse of zinc oxide on a days old infant, you should have SEEN it. This baby looked like it was albino from the belly button down (offense #4). A woman was holding her newborn daughter UP TO SPEAKERS PLAYING LOUD MUSIC. Moving her back and forth saying it was “Dancing” (offense #5)
There are many more, but I just can’t bear to list them. They said a lot of “do this…” when it was obvious the couple in the movie was NOT doing that. Then they talked about circumcision, and how to treat the penis post surgery (OW). They also spoke about cleaning a little girl’s genitals and being aware of the various folds and creases to get into when cleaning. Poor Paul looked so daunted at that.
We stopped and had the couples trying to diaper very rigid dolls. Our doll was the darkest one, viva la Mexico, mi amor. Ours was also the only one that had a thumbs up hand and an open mouth to stick it in. She also had a uvula, of which the moron next to me thought was some kind of vaginal do-hickey. That was entertaining. Paul was very gentle with the non-pliable rubber known as “Diana”. He IS an excellent swaddler, though.
After that we went back to our seats and watched a Mutton-chopped doctor go on and on about the different signs to watch out for when bringing home an infant. Unfortunately, it was very outdated and the instructor said not to really pay attention to it. I DO know how to take a rectal temperature now. Poor things have to sit still for TWO MINUTES?
Eventually the class came to an end, and our instructor was asked how many kids she had. Her answer? “Four godkids.” What the hell? Sooo none of this is based on your actual, 24/365 experience? Cripes.
To paraphrase from Comic Book Guy: Worst Class Ever.
