Ambergontrail – Trying to get through life without dying of dysentery

Or so I think. Yesterday was our 36 week appointment with her. Starting next week, we go weekly. Yikes.

Now, I didn’t have that great of a relationship with my previous OB, who has left on maternity leave. We weren’t buddy buddy, but I could talk to her, ask her the stupid questions I had, and we never ever felt rushed. Her nurse is fantastic, too. The current OB is terse, brisk, and always makes us wait for a very long time.

Take yesterday, for example. I was scheduled to have my Group B Strep swab done, so I was told to undress from the waist down and get on the table.  I was on that table, half naked for going on 15 minutes until the OB walked in. As per her usual m/o, she said she was going to check for the heartbeat, then measure. All quickly and efficiently. When she looked around for the doppler, she couldn’t find it. Since I had since risen to a sitting position, my butt was literally pointing out towards the door. She left my butt literally out in the wind as she looked for a doppler outside.

Once the heartbeat was heard (ten seconds max), and my fundus was measured (no remark, but a definite face was made, good or bad? WHAT THE HELL?), she told me to scoot down to the edge of the table for my GBS test. After a terse “I’m touching  you” (really? I thought I was crowning! eyeroll), I felt a terrible scraping inside me, followed by a not-as-bad swabbing of my anus (all part of the test, isn’t it fantastic?). I have to tell you, the vaginal swab was the most painful vaginal exam/procedure I have ever had. Compared to it, a pap smear was like… getting a neck massage. It felt like she took one of those gelato spoons and raked me. I jumped and tensed up, even said “Ow”. All to which I got no reply. Not even a cursory, “Loosen up, it’s almost over”.

She then mentioned their having the H1N1 shots in, and that she’ll send the nurse in to give me one. “Just put on your pants and she’ll come in.” That was it. I felt like I had been violated. My vagina felt scraped and I was still all tense. I don’t know why, but it seems like she really resents us. Either for adding on to her caseload, or just plain resentment at getting someone else’s patient, I don’t know- I just know I miss MY OB and MY nurse, Monica.

I’ve never ever felt so unwanted before. She smiles, but it’s a bit vague, like she’s just trying to get through this. Believe me, lady, I would rather be with someone else, too.

As I was reading my book “The Big Book of Birth” by Erica Lyons (it’s great, really), I got a shock. What if my old OB can’t come back in time to deliver me? What if I’m stuck with Dr. Claw and her facade of friendliness? Even more, how am I expected to labor easily and stress free if she was there, ever so slightly rushing me on so she can be “done” with me? If I/we feel like a hassle in our routine appointments, what’s to say she’s going to be any better when I’m in intense pain, and weakening to the idea of an epidural, when I really hoped for a natural birth? I am tense just waiting for her, just anticipating another cold visit. There is no way I can be at ease with her delivering me.

The more I thought about it, the more I worried. I sent my friend Tricia a text, “Just HOW bad is labor pain?” When she replied, I felt the need to fill her in on the recent happenings, and why this was occurring to me now.  I can’t take intense pain, I pass out. What if she takes advantage of this and orders an unnecessary c-section? Tricia told me two things; 1.) it’s VERY, VERY important for Paul to be strong when I can not be. Fill out my birth plan and make sure he knows EXACTLY what I want. If I’m unable to tell the doctors that I’d prefer to labor a while longer, make sure he IS able to tell them. and 2.) if it comes down to it, to call her, and she’ll coach me via phone. It was knowing I have such fantastic friends that would do this for me, that has helped me a bit. Sure, I’m still worried, but at least now I know- this labor is about US. About me, about Piper, about Paul. We have a say in it. If I need to talk to my friends while I’m in intense pain, I will, damnit.

Another lesson learned: not every doctor in a practice is the same. Same for every nurse and ultrasound technician. Unfortunately for me, the one I had chosen was pregnant (totally wasn’t told this, by the way), and the one who took her place was Satan.

How far along? 36 Weeks and five days
Total weight gain/loss: According to the scale at the asthma doctor, I am up three pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I attribute this to my lack of appetite.
Maternity clothes? Ya.
Stretch marks? No new ones, I don’t think
Sleep: Still flipping and flopping, some heartburn and a lot of achy hips, but all in all, I sleep!
Best moment this week: Getting her clothes washed and folded
Movement: Always, with additional hiccups and kicks out of the side of my belly.
Food cravings: Eh.
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? I think it’s still there inside, I can’t see.
What I miss: Well, I don’t really MISS this, but I’m sad knowing it’ll all come to an end soon.
What I am looking forward to: Getting her crib built.
Weekly Wisdom/ Snide Comments: “You know, you could totally go early, I had XXXX at 4 weeks early”.
Milestones: Less than a month left. Eep.

My pic:

I am due in less than four weeks. Regardless of whether or not I go early, I’ll be sad. I’ve LOVED being pregnant. I love the feeling of another person inside me, someone I have yet to meet. My heart swells when Paul absentmindedly rubs my belly when we’re at a party or waiting to be seated in a restaurant.

I’m going to miss people asking how I’m feeling, and if I’m excited. I’m going to miss SO much of this. Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve wanted to be pregnant. No, not just a mommy, but pregnant. Not that I didn’t know they went hand in hand, trust me. I’ve loved babies and children since day one, it’s not that I didn’t want them.  I truly believe I was meant to have babies (wait until I actually BIRTH her, we’ll see how happy I am), I have never been this happy, this content, this… fulfilled.

Boy, I am going to miss this view.

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 6:30am despite not needing to get up until 8am. Why? Simply because I’m an awesome wife who makes her husband’s lunch every day. I love that he gets to eat, and I love that everyone he works with thinks he’s lucky to have a kickass wife like me! Usually I go to work with him at 6:45/7am, and he drops me off on the way.

Instead, I had an asthma doctor’s appointment at 9, and since he was an old friend, Dad was going with me. So, I woke up at 6:30am to make a sammich for this baby daddy. Lunch made, Paul and I settled on the couch with Woofie for a tiny bit of snuggling.

Woofie must have been jealous, because he pounced on my boob like a cat on a catnip mouse. What happened next (other than the blinding PAIN he caused) was horrifying.

You know that part in “Finding Nemo” where Nemo’s little classmates scare the little girl octopus? She says, “Aw, you made me ink!” Well, something similar came out of my mouth… He pounced, I shoved (with a few curse words- Earmuffs, baby!) and I looked down. I leaked through my shirt. I LEAKED THROUGH MY SHIRT BECAUSE MY DOG POUNCED ON MY BOOB. “Awww, he made me LEAK!”

Paul thought this was the funniest thing ever. I, on the other hand, was adding up another top I had leaked on. I leaked on our quilt the other night, unbeknownst to me,  I accused Paul of drooling on the quilt. Yeah, it was me.

I’m disgusting.

How far along? 35weeks 5 days in picture.
Total weight gain/loss: No clue, they really keep me sheltered!
Maternity clothes? Si senor
Stretch marks? I think just the usual
Sleep: A ton of flipping and flopping, but essentially still pretty good!
Best moment this week: Her daily hiccups
Movement: Slightly painful, but constant
Food cravings: Soft serve!
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? I think it’s still there inside, I can’t see.
What I miss:Not having heartburn all the time
What I am looking forward to: Washing her clothes
Weekly Wisdom/ Snide Comments: “You are ALL belly.” (good)
Milestones: I hit 35 weeks with 35 days left!

Pic:

CRAPPY pic, btw.

Bathroom shot, very poor lighting

On this date (the 22nd) next month I will hit my due date. Whether or not I will actually still be pregnant or not remains to be seen, but still… The date exists as a date of major focus for the last 30 or so weeks.

I am having a baby. The little thing that has been kicking me so forcefully will be out, susceptible to all the ills and joy the cold world out here has in store for her. I can tell you now that I know for a fact that I will miss her inside of me, but I also know it will be time to share her with others, since I have hogged her long enough.

In a month’s time I will be a mother (shhhhhh, no talk of early labor today, please). In a month’s time Paul will get to hold the little half-him being that we have bonded with (and over) lo these many months. When people tell you in the beginning that it all goes by so fast, you want to tell them to shut it. Nausea and fatigue has a way of making your life drag, I know. Now, I know what they mean.

Again and again I have proclaimed my unpreparedness. Some Girl Scout I turned out to be! Still, I hold firm, I am not ready for the responsibilty, but give me time, I am capable and it will come to me.

The main thing is, no matter where or how you labor and birth, with every baby we grow and nuture, we are starting anew.

On Sunday, I was 35 weeks pregnant with 35 days to go. Now, I am 35 weeks pregnant with 33 days to go, and scared as hell. Despite a very rigorous weekend filled with baby showers, massive heat and football games, Paul and I decided to venture out to Ikea to get some more stuff for the baby’s room.

While we were dining, I used the restroom. Imagine my shock (and cold fear) when I wiped and saw pink. I kept thinking, “Pink is bad, pink is bad.” I wiped again, and saw nothing. I wiped a little harder- still nothing. I washed up and went back to our table where Paul was waiting, ready to go. We drove over to the other side of the shopping mall to get to Ikea and I told him what happened. “That’s supposed to be happening, right?” Well, I said, not exactly. The “bloody show”/mucous plug is different from this, and that isn’t until I start dilating, I think. The pink tissue was something different, but possibly a sign of impending labor (I worried).

All throughout our visit to Ikea I kept my mind on my belly, trying to tell if her usual painful movements were contractions or not. Okay, and I also cursed all the guests at the showers who said I was so huge I’d go early. While mentally taking stock of how I was feeling, I also audibly listed all the things we haven’t done yet for her to come home all set up. “I’m not ready for this- we’re not ready! We still need to set up the crib, buy bedding for the crib, wash all her clothes, buy something in a newborn size with legs so she can sit in the car seat- OH, we need to install the car seat! We need the Snap n Go, and diapers and OHMYGODI’MNOTREADY!!!!!!”

Luckily, that was the only time I saw pink on the tissue, and have felt no contractions. Still, I was majorly freaked out. I think Paul is starting to think of things to do that aren’t actually useful. Like going to Babies R Us to get some newborn clothes instead of going to Ikea to get her a bookshelf. Of course, he has also started to nag me about packing my hospital bag. How can I pack a bag with things I need and wear now? I need my camera! I need my toothbrush! I don’t know if I’m having a regular vag birth or a c-sec, so I’d pack pants for a regular and a dress for a c-sec. Books and movies? I read books so fast! I don’t know. I feel like there is so much to do, and not enough time.

How far along? 34 weeks 5 days

Total weight gain/loss: I’m pretty sure they’re not telling me anymore. They do say everything is great.

Maternity clothes? By the handful

Stretch marks? I think I just noticed a new one today.

Sleep: not so bad, been getting a little warm at night, though.

Best moment this week: I got to hear her heartbeat again!

Movement: She’s definitely moving, and we think she has switched sides. She’s also moving up a bit.

Food cravings: A dairy queen sundae.

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out? Gotta love it, still in.

What I miss: Ease of rolling over.

What I am looking forward to: My showers this weekend!

Weekly Wisdom/ Snide Comments: “Wow! Are you still able to walk? Are you due any minute now?” – From a stranger in the elevator.

Milestones: I can’t wear any of my rings now.

Pictures!!!!!!!!

34 Weeks and 5 days, in the office bathroom.

Mixing it up a bit:

The view from up here.

Here are some things I have noticed about being this pregnant:

1.) My rings don’t fit. Now, I stopped wearing my engagement ring a few months ago because it was too tight when paired with the wedding band.  I figured I’d be okay with just the wedding band since it’s bigger than the engagement ring. Well, I was wrong. It does not fit. When I have parties and outings, I try to cram it on to avoid the “pregnant single lady” vibe, but yeah, it takes a few tries to tug it off. In fact, at our birthing class I even attempted wearing both the e-ring and wedding band. Imagine my surprise (and horror!) when I was unable to tug them off. As in, NO CHANCE. I had to lube my hands up with Purell to get them off. Of course, after that the meaty underside of my ring finger was all red and swollen. Not so good. Now I bring my wedding band with me to work since I feel naked, and cram it on for appointments. I probably won’t be able to do this much longer.

2.) My hips are spreading. I couldn’t believe it, but it’s true. Pre-preg, I was pretty straight up and down, no real hips/waist to speak of. Now I’ve noticed my hip joints aching. Perhaps it’s the fact that it’s nearly impossible to keep my legs from splaying out when I’m sitting that causes the ache, either way, holy crap it hurts. It’ll just start hurting if I’m just SITTING there, not moving! What IS that? In the morning, if I don’t have my trusty body pillow to snuggle on and wrap my legs around, my hips ache. MY HIPS ACHE. Other than that, I’m not really uncomfortable. Until…

3.) Her movements are no longer cute. Sure, they’re super entertaining and leave me in awe, but they are starting to hurt! She likes to spin around and scrape my insides.  I’ve said it before, but when she moves behind my belly button I could DIE, it is so uncomfortable. It’s like she’s pushing down on my bowels at the same time. It doesn’t really hurt, per se, more of a massive pressure. If this is what it feels like to “drop”, then that will be VERY uncomfortable.

4.) I have hit a new low. I get tired when I’m EATING. Seriously. I sit down to dinner, take a few bites of food, then realize I’m exhausted. I lean on my fist and just try to gather my energy to finish eating. So all you early preggos/possible parents some day: you will get tired EATING.

5.) Speaking of new lows… I now have to lift my belly and lean forward in order to pee. If I don’t, she just sits on my bladder and despite how incredibly bad I KNOW I have to pee, only a small trickle comes out. Imagine a stream trickling to a close, that’s it. I can sit there and wait and wait to no avail. Once I lift the belly and lean forward, the the flood begin! It’s actually kind of entertaining to me, which is possibly sad.

6.) The books say a buildup of fluid will cause you to swell and could start to make your hands and wrists ache- possibly bring on carpal tunnel syndrome. Well, yeah. My hands hurt like a bastard lately. I have a lotion I put on and it helps, but Oh my god, they ACHE!

So far that’s it, but goodness, with less than 6 weeks left I’m starting to panic a bit. I wake up early to go to work and think, “I’m exhausted NOW, how am I going to do this without sleeping through the night??”

This weekend, we finally got some stuff done. Not only did Paul do about 6 loads of laundry (it’s easier for him to do the carting down to the machines and the carting back up), but he also assembled the baby’s dresser and took apart and trashed the old ragamuffin dresser we had been “storing” in the baby’s room. Now, other than a few random bits, the room is almost completely baby.

Inside is a big bag of stuff my friend Tricia gave me from her baby (cool stuff like little play things and blankets and stuff- the clothing is hung up and the millions of bottles are also put up in the closet) including her car seat. Also in the room is the large crib and mattress with the “optional” under crib storage drawer, the car seat bought off my registry (sans card, Babies R Us sucks at that so far), the disassembled jogging stroller, a baby rocking chair, a tall Tiffany-esque floor lamp, two random house chairs (?) and a box of stuff for the rummage sale we’re donating to.

After my shower this weekend, I hope to wash all the baby clothes and put things away in the dresser. We’ll have diapers and wipes and the pad thing for her to be changed on. I’ll be full term in three weeks (HOLY CRAP) so I promised myself I would have this stuff done by Halloween.

Time flies when you’re scared out of your mind, apparently.