Ambergontrail – Trying to get through life without dying of dysentery

How far along? 21 weeks and 5 days
Total weight gain/loss: Nothing
Maternity clothes? I’m growing out of my pants, and I have a ton of tops.
Stretch marks? No new ones.
Sleep: Pretty good, unless you count the constant flipping of sides, the achy hips (despite pillow between my legs) and the 3am pee breaks.
Best moment this week: I felt the baby move from the outside
Movement: Definite kicking and swimming, some ripples as well.
Food cravings: peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Gender: She’s a lady, whoa-a-whoa.
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? Getting smaller day by day.
What I miss: Sleeping on my back!
What I am looking forward to: Stronger movements and registering.
Weekly Wisdom: Do all you can on the nursery now while you’re still feeling good!
Milestones: Now I have completed more weeks of pregnancy than I have left. Eep.

Belly pics ahoy!

21 Weeks

Bare Naked 21 Week belly

I am so sorry I’ve been neglecting good ol’ Ambergon Trail! I’ve lately been obsessed with many things, some good, some bad, some stressful.

Last night I felt PJ move from the outside for the first time. It felt like a muscle spasm, but in a rolling sensation. Almost like the rolling earthquakes we feel here, but the epicenter was my belly, on the right beside the bellybutton. It was unlike anything I’ve ever felt.  In the beginning, the books said it’d feel like gas bubbles, and they were totally right. Then, it started feeling like a bob attached to a fishing pole just dragging in the water, creating its own tiny wake as it trailed along.

Now? It feels like something is popping and flipping. It feels like something real. No longer could the feelings be imagined away as gas or empty stomach pains, not even those “explain away everything” round ligament pains could be the cause. I have a living, kicking being inside me. This realization leads me to freak the hell out.

I will be in charge of a living, kicking being for the rest of my life. Honestly, I’m not afraid of the newborn/infant years- heck, not even the toddler years. It’s the elementary school/junior high/HIGH SCHOOL years that just threw me.

As I was laying there last night, flaking another bit of colostrum or whatever the hell it is off my nipple (sorry for the hideous mental image), Piper was just kicking away, doing what seemed to me to be pushing off the wall of my uterus and careening into the back, where her/our placenta lies. I thought to myself (since Paul was sleeping), “My nipples are more ready for motherhood than I am.” My hand resting on my belly, trying to trace the movements of our daughter, I grew cold, yet sweaty at the same time.

I realized: I’m perfectly ready to be a mother-to-be, not so much ready to be a mother. Do all women go through this with their first? I keep thinking how gestation for us humans is 40 weeks, so you get used to not sleeping, dealing with urine and leaky breasts, before you actually have to implement the permanent change to your life.

Don’t get me wrong- I am THRILLED for our new baby to be. I would never ever change what I’m doing right now. I just wish I wasn’t such a freak about it. I can deal with college funds and poopy diapers. I can buy mini hangers and debate where to register. The idea, though, of having my daughter get her driver’s license and leave for prom with some boy scares the hell out of me. Can I parent a teenager?

Obviously, time will tell. I’m sure I’ll grow into it, no? It IS the next logical step from babyhood.

In my life I’ve had a lot of friends. I’ve had mean friends, nice friends, stingy friends, generous friends, friends who are older and friends who are younger. I’ve had friends who I’ve known my whole life, and friends who I haven’t even met in person- YET.

It seems to me that sometimes you just meet someone (be it online, in person, through letters) that strikes you as someone you could get to know better. Someone you know you’d have fun with. I have a few of those friends, and I’m so glad I do.

As most of you know it took us a long time to get pregnant. In that time I had friends get pregnant unexpectedly (who are fantastic parents, by the way), friends get married (or remarried, in some cases), friends move away and friends drift away. I’ve been lucky. I’ve been supported over the last couple of years by friends I have never met- they supported me more than friends I’ve known my whole life.

Perhaps it’s the anonymity of the blogging and IMing and text messages, but these friends I’ve never met know more about me and my life than my friends in real life. I’ve been invited to their weddings, they’ve been invited to mine. I’ve seen their birth announcements,  and their save the dates, I’ve witnessed from afar their engagements and taken sides in marital spats. We’ve helped each other choose outfits for occasions, and helped boost each other up when feeling down.

Sometimes, though, you just feel so helpless, not being a nearby friend of theirs. You can’t help them with a problem that is causing them pain, you can’t be like a real life friend to them. They’re having trouble with their daughter, and need a break, but you can’t run over there to help. They’ve been hurt by a comment of a friend- all you can give are words.  Sometimes you wonder if it’s normal to be so sad for someone you’ve never met. Then you think about it, and realize a friend is a friend- despite the distance and that slight fact that you’ve never actually seen her in person. Tiny detail, yeah?

The friends I have never met mean a lot to me, maybe this is odd to some people. All I know is that they have been there for me in the last few years- one of them going on 4 years now.  Although I may have started as the “weird internet friend”, I hope I’ve grown to be a real friend, because after all, should I ever be in your neck of the woods, ladies, you’ve got yourself a gatecrasher.

Still, at the moment, I feel quite useless. I can’t hug them or cry with them, I can’t help them choose paint colors or move their furniture, and I can’t say anything other than, “I’m sorry” or “I understand” or even “Hold on, I’m coming over, and I’ll have lasagna with me.”

For you,  I’m sorry and I don’t understand. There isn’t a gift to send, a book to lend or a joke to tell that can rival the actual act of being there. For once, I am completely and utterly speechless.

Last Friday, Paul and I headed over to my usual OB for my 20 week checkup. At this appointment they weighed me, did a urine sample, went over my anatomy scans, and listened for the heartbeat.

Good news- I’ve gained no weight! Since the baby obviously IS gaining, that must mean I’ve LOST weight, right? The baby looked great, according to Dr. OB. Her size was great (13oz at 20w2d!), her legs and arms were lovely, her little mouth was adorable and she had all fingers and toes. Her organs, are doing well, she said. When I asked about the kidneys and her opinion, she said she wasn’t worried. At all. Not at all, we repeated? Not at all, she said again. She said those measurements have a normal size range of 1mm (I think it was mm) to 7, and Piper’s kidneys were measuring 3. Almost right smack in the middle of normal. Dr. OB even said there was no need to follow up on it, she was THAT not worried. So, with the knowledge of our next perinatologist appointment in eight weeks, I’m also going to not worry.

Now that I’m feeling movement, I wonder if that’s REALLY what I’m feeling. It feels SO low, down in my pelvis. I feel flips and thumps and a few twitches here and there. During our last appointment on Friday, Dr. OB got the doppler out to listen to Piper’s heart. After a bit of searching, she found it up around my belly button, and we started to listen. Then the little bugger slid over to the other side of my belly button, where we got to hear her heartbeat for awhile. Of course, being Paul’s daughter, she gave the doppler mic a boot on her way back down from my belly button. Since I was laying back, is it possible that the movements I feel when sitting straight up are because she “sinks” down to my pelvis? Who knows, right?

More news from Dr. OB: She’s pregnant! Well, she didn’t tell US, we heard it from my MIL’s coworker who sees the same doctor. Dr. OB is due in September. Could we possibly have a different doctor deliver me?

More random news bits: I’m leaking boob-wise. Yep. Got some on my hand the other day. What a lovely find. I’m getting freaked out about finding a pediatrician, and painting PJ’s room. SO MUCH TO DO!

Although so much of my body’s time is spent using these things we call kidneys, it never occurred to me to be worried about Piper’s. Sure, I worried about her heart, her brain, her spine, even her feet! Did I think something would be odd about her kidneys? Nope!

Now, before you guys get all freaked out- the perinatologist said he sees this in about 8-10% of pregnancies, our little girl’s issue. Of course, he IS a perinatologist, so I wonder the percentage a non-specialty OB would see. ANYWHO. During our half hour long ultrasound (which is seriously the coolest thing ever), he was trying to get the measurements of her kidneys. It was so strange to see them, two little dark spots next to her spine. My daughter (!!!) has a spine. A beautiful, well-formed spine that looked akin to a strand of Mikimoto pearls. As he completed the rest of his scan, after pushing mighty hard to aggravate her enough to move her hand from the front of her face, he said she looked perfect, “Except for one issue.”

One issue? My baby girl has an ISSUE? As he explained to us, her kidneys showed too much fluid in them, meaning her bladder wasn’t emptying her urine correctly, causing some of it to flow back into the bladder then kidneys. He didn’t tell us the exact term of her kidney issue, but I’ve googled (worst enemy and best friend all in one) and found things ranging from Hydronephrosis (BAD), Vesicouretaral Reflux (can be bad depending on the severity of the condition) and Kidney reflux. The reflux part obviously makes sense, but everything else I read blurs into “KIDNEY PROBLEMS KIDNEY PROBLEMS- LET’S PANIC!!!”

Our doctor told us it’s not too uncommon, but it’s something he wants to keep an eye on, and to come back in eight weeks. Why come back? According to the doc, a lot of the time it resolves itself, and even if it doesn’t they can let the pediatrician know at the birth and have Piper get an ultrasound.

We have our u/s followup with my usual OB tomorrow, hopefully she can shed some more light on what exactly it is. I’m not going to lie, folks. I’m worried.

It’s time for the weekly baby roundup! Yes, it was “Rundown” last week, shut up.

How far along? 20 weeks and three days.
Total weight gain/loss: I’ll let you know next week. Yes, I’m a little scared.
Maternity clothes? Many pairs of pants and a few tops.
Stretch marks? Just the same ol’ ones.
Sleep: Good enough to not wake me up to pee (of course, then I need to pee REALLY bad when I wake up), but the raccoon fights are making it  hard to sleep.
Best moment this week: We found out we’re having a girl!
Movement: A few thumps here and there
Food cravings: Ice cream with oreo cookies
Gender: GIRL!
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? Shallow, but in.
What I miss: Being able to walk around without lower belly pain.
What I am looking forward to: More movement, and buying clothes!
Weekly Wisdom: Your husband is going to need to learn how to do hair.
Milestones: We’re having a baby girl!

I didn't send myself the naked belly pic, I'll post it later!

When I found out the sex of our baby today, I cried. I must admit I’m surprised, since I didn’t cry when I heard the heartbeat for the first time, nor did I cry when we saw it kicking around a few weeks ago. Perhaps the reason I cried was because I was incredibly shocked.

After being 90% sure the baby was a boy, sure enough to discourage anyone else who entertained the idea of the baby being anything other than a boy, we saw the proof this afternoon- the baby is a girl. We have our little girl, whose name we’ve had picked out for years- Piper Jane, PJ for short.

I’ve got my little girl, Paul has his Daddy’s girl, we get the hand-me-downs from the only other girl in the family, and well, we have a healthy baby.

IT’S A GIRL!!!!!

Growing up, I wanted a family like those on Family Ties or Growing Pains. I wanted a happy Mom and a happy Dad- examples of what a family should be like. Instead I somehow got dealt a family like Roseanne, minus the happy parents. I’ve come to terms with that, but still makes this marriage & family thing kind of an uncharted territory of sorts. I’ve had all sorts of examples in my life, from my mom’s sister who has been married 50 years- despite getting pregnant while in high school; to my Dad’s sister- who also helped teach me how to keep tradition going and family (well, most family- some members aren’t exactly friendly) close.

My uncles have treated me as daughters and granddaughters- never making me feel like an outsider when I stayed the night at their house yet again. Most of the time these uncles would go out of their way to make me feel welcomed, from the pancakes shaped into my initials and flavored with mint or strawberry extract to the blankies created with just me in mind, complete with the silky pink satin trim. These are examples that make you think of families that aren’t quite Rockwell-esque, but still very content and comfortable nonetheless. Despite (or perhaps due to)  my childhood with parents who put kids first and themselves last, their relationship not even registering on the radar, I’ve grown up with a deep need for that Leave it to Beaver type of life, where the wife is happy, the husband is happy and the kids don’t torture small animals and neighborhood kids.

Imagine my joy when Paul and I got a compliment a few weeks ago. A friend of ours is planning on popping the question soon, with us in attendance (eeeeeee! young love!) , and he told Paul, “I’m really glad it’ll be you two there”. Paul asked him why and he said, “Well, you’ve got the whole package- happily married, a baby on the way…” to which Paul responded, “What you want, huh?” The friend said, “Yeah, I want THAT.”

Someone wants my life. OUR life that we’re making together. After so many years of wanting what everyone else had (happy, normal life), I can say that it’s visible that I’m utterly thrilled with where I/We are in our lives, and that I couldn’t want anything else.

Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow we find out if it’s a boy or a girl, and begin to call it by it’s given name (which MAY be divulged when I let ya’ll know about the sex of the baby).

This morning I called to ask what time I need to be in, and she said, “2:30, but we had some early morning cancellations, would you be interested?” I seriously debated, but would have to come back to work afterwards and honestly, I’d rather just go home with Paul after the appointment. WELL, we’re actually going to my hometown’s Farmer’s Market to meet up with a friend of mine- she has a booth selling onesies (Jackapotamus- seen here!) and has been drilling me about the sex of the baby. Now I’ll finally be able to pick up a onesie for our little one, there are sooo many patterns and prints I can’t imagine which one to get. There are MANY, MANY more at her booth and her shop on Main Street in Santa Monica.

So tomorrow the baby stops being an “It” and becomes “She” or “He”.

Any guesses as to what the baby will be?

I’m going to go ahead and guess “BOY”.

That’s right, I’m at 20 weeks- finally! This weekend was a flurry of random stuff- enjoying my husband, grocery shopping, long walks- making kickass pancakes. I did a lot (WE) and spent the whole weekend doing something. I don’t know if I was trying to keep busy or what, but man, I was sore yesterday from doing so much crap!

It’s hard to believe I’ve been consciously pregnant for 16 weeks- sixteen weeks of worrying, panicking, vomiting, and back and forth regarding names. The baby is still referred to as “he”, something we’ll be able to either remedy or continue doing tomorrow, at our 20 week anatomy scan.

Lately I’ve been feeling a lot of movement, what I determine to be kicks of some sort. The other night I was poking around in there trying to see if I could feel anything and stopped. Moments afterwards I felt some nudges and a thump. It’s crazy! Still, I’ll be happy when I see the little guy and know all is well.