As a lot of the readers know, I tried for almost a year to get pregnant. The BFP was on cycle 12. Technically it was possibly a month longer because a lot of my cycles were under 28 days, but whatever. The reason I’m writing is because I know what it’s like to feel jealous, to envy people who got pregnant when you’re not. All those months of unsuccessful tries going by, each one achingly hard, I think I should feel guilty I got pregnant. When telling a friend this, she told me to shut up, that was a foolish thing to say. I’ve done my time, she said. I’ve done mine, and others’ time, it seems. Still, I slightly feel bad.
Then again, I kind of don’t, and perhaps that’s what I feel bad about- the fact that I feel that I’ve earned this pregnancy. I’ve almost literally busted my ass to get pregnant, and as you can see from the one post about sticking my ass in the air post sex to make things get further along. I’ve cried SO MANY tears for the baby that wasn’t, the baby that should have been mine by whatever date, the fact that it was killing my parents to know there was a baby in Australia that is their first grandchild, yet they can’t afford to see her, so I should really provide that local grandchild, right?
So yeah, I’ve done my time. I can honestly say that I felt jealousy of other pregnant women, I did. Still, I didn’t hate them, I didn’t say mean things, I eventually congratulated the ones I knew- meaning once I got that cry out- why can’t we be pregnant together?! Still, I hope there aren’t people out there thinking they deserved this blessing more than I do- I’ve hurt badly over the past year.
Now I think I’ve even been unfriended on Facebook because of this. Because I’m pregnant? Because after a year of trying and hoping, temping, peeing, crying, aching and yearning SOMEHOW, miraculously, it happened for us. There is not ONE second of ANY day that goes by that I take this for granted. I literally knock wood constantly, wish on stars, pull wishbones that this baby will stick, that everything will be okay. So yeah, forgive me for thinking I deserve to be a mother. Paul tells me to stop thinking about it, that whatever problem someone has with our miracle or me, it’s not my fault, and it’s not my issue. I’ve always thought too much about what others think of me, how they perceive me, that yeah, it hurts that someone resents me because we got lucky. Honestly, it’s depressing, but it’s not my problem, right?
