Stolen from the pages of my previous blog (www.intoourlife.blogspot.com), this is the term to describe me for the past year. I have the deadliest baby craving ever. In December of 2008, the first baby I ever baby-sat turned 18. Her younger brother, a boy I helped to raise from birth, will be 16 this May. I feel like my years of being the caretaker of other people’s children have passed, and now it’s time to take that next step of raising my own children.
There is only one problem: I tried to take that step last year. March, April, May… our first anniversary has flown by and I remain on that stoop, unable to take that next step. Although not really a Catholic, my beliefs religion-wise are scant, yet I believe in a higher power. So part of me is thinking that our time will come, don’t fret. Then again, I’ve gotten tired of pressing my nose and hands up against that invisible wall separating me from going beyond this place. When that starts getting to me, I start lashing out and wishing evil things on people. Not just pregnant women, or women with babies- who do you think this is? Amber isn’t rational! I can’t even blame it on the hormones in birth control. Nope, this is natural Amber. Sad.
When I start getting down in the dumps, I think of Paul. When we first dated all those years ago, I had a chance at my future. I chose to go another way, because I didn’t think that road was one I wanted to go down. After dating a few schmucks, a few good guys and the one other Big Love before Paul, I wanted stability. I wanted to be cherished, to be adored. I wanted to be loved wholeheartedly. So I began the search for Paul. Oddly enough, although our lives had intertwined in various ways, we never caught sight of one another after that last horrible day our relationship ended. It was six years almost to the day- I found him.
Seeing the glimpse of my second chance at that future, I jumped in with both feet- eyes wide open, just ready. I guess you could say we moved fast, within two months I was sleeping over. Despite the awkward roommate situation*, I was at home. We cooked, I made my (at that time) only specialty, the grilled cheese, I baked him a cake from scratch for his birthday. I wore my sexiest lingerie, then realized it didn’t matter. He didn’t care at all- he only saw ME. I brought my little backpack with me whenever I stayed, then I was given my own box/drawer for my things. We were an item: I was meeting his family, baby-sitting for his nephews. I was installed.
We moved in together 11 months after we got back together, then a year and a half after that, we got engaged. Finally, 19 months after that, we were married- again, almost exactly 10 years to the day of our very first date. What does this all have to do with my fetal attraction?
Well, if it took me six years to find my path, and another four years after that to marry Paul, I’m getting to be okay with how long this is taking us. “Good things come to those who wait”, right? I console myself with the thought that once finally blessed, I’ll be patient, I’ll be ready, and our baby will be the most beautiful one out there. Humor me here, I think little Piper** is just out there hanging out with Grandma, Grandpa, and Paul’s dad, floating along, making sure she gets a hearty helping of everything fantastic from the people who love us and want us to be happy.
Can you see it, too?
* Paul’s roommate was a single woman, five months pregnant when I met her. When the baby was born, she had a hard time coping. I took care of him, helped to bathe him, changed him, and put him to bed every night (seriously). I rocked him to sleep and walked him around the house, fed him (and her!). They called me the “Baby Whisperer”. It’s a skill, what can I say. (Aside: the mom recently ran into Paul at his work, she’s looking into Kindergarten there!).
** Previously on Fetal Attraction, I called claim to a name: Piper Jane. We’ve loved it for eons, and have been planning it for so long, we staked our claim because we can’t bear to lose the one thing we’re looking forward to- naming our baby the most perfect name.
